Saturday, November 5, 2011

Politics. Go Figure.

The mayor of Sunland Park, New Mexico has been ridiculed and criticized for signing a million dollar contract while he was drunk, but I can sympathize with him.  If it wasn't for being drunk I wouldn't have gotten married three out of my five times.  No, what should be ridiculed is that State Rep. Mary Helen Garcia has taken steps toward the state takeover of the city.
     She contacted both the New Mexico Attorney General's office and the Department of Finance and Administration to begin the process, and told them:  "These people are so dumb it takes them an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes."
     The reason the State Rep. was so upset was the conduct of the Sunland Park city council during one of their recent meetings.  City Councilor Carmen Rodriguez was especially on a roll, and went down the row of fellow councilors airing her grievances.
     "You're so fat," she told one, "when you go to a restaurant you don't get a menu, you get an estimate."
     It was only when she got to Christian Lira that she stopped.
     "You're so ugly..." she began.
     "No!"  Lira interjected.  "You're so ugly you don't have to worry about birth control.  Your face does just fine."
     Mayor Martin Resendiz laughed loudly.  That diverted Lira's anger into another direction.  Mainly, toward the mayor.
     "Are you drunk?" Lira asked the mayor, angrily.
     "Of course not," the mayor retorted.  "Can't you see?  Of course you can't, you're so cross-eyed every time you go to the movies you think you're watching a double-feature."
     "Oh, yeah?" Lira answered back.  "Well, you smell so bad you need to use both Right and Left Guard."
     City Councilor Carmen Rodriguez was anxious to get back in the fray.
     "Mr. Mayor," she said, "your breath is so bad people on the phone hang up."
     There's an old saying.  The enemy of my enemy is my friend.  Lira and the mayor turned on Carmen Rodriguez faster than the ending of Kim Kardashian's fake marriage.
     "Councilor Rodriguez, your arms are so hairy when you walk down the street they look like you've got Buckwheat in a headlock," said one.
     "And you wear clothes from two famous designers:  Poly and Ester," said the other.
     "Oh, yeah?" she answered.  "Well, I can pull enough wax out of both your ears to make candles."
     "Oh, yeah?  Well, there are so many roaches in your house, you should make them sign a lease."
     "Oh, yeah?  Well, your teeth are so yellow you brushed with Aim and missed."
     "Oh, yeah?  Well, you stink so bad when you break wind, it stays broken."
     "Oh, yeah?  Well, you're so old when the police ask for your ID you hand them a rock."
     And, speaking of the police, that's when on-duty Sunland Park officers had to step in to keep the mayor and Mayor Pro-Tem Daniel Salinas from stepping outside to settle their differences with fisticuffs.
     "I'm gonna hit you so hard your next baby's gonna be born with two black eyes!'"
     "Oh, yeah?  Well, there's only gonna be two hits:  me hitting you, and you hitting the moon!"
     I'd go on, but it never ends in Sunland Park, New Mexico.  It never ends.

     This Was A True Story.
     Sort Of.
Fifty Shades of Funny


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