Thursday, August 31, 2017

More Hurricane Harvey Tweets!

Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Whatever President Trump does, it will be WRONG!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
CNN's Wolf Blitzer reports Hurricane Harvey COPYCATTED Charlottesville!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Fake News IMMEDIATELY tries to tie it to President Trump's Russian Hacking Scandal!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Fake News wonders, "How can we blame THIS on President Trump?"
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Liberals still hate President Trump MORE!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Fake News can't blame President Trump, so they pile on Joel Osteen instead!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Will Scientologists help?
"We don't believe in  hurricanes."
 
 
American Chimpanzee
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Wednesday, August 30, 2017

The Week In Hurricane Harvey Tweets

Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Someone made Taylor Swift MAD!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Why was Floyd Mayweather wearing a mask?
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
 What does Taylor Swift's new music video MEAN?
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Kim Kardashian takes photo shoot DRESSED like Jackie O!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Miley Cyrus gets a new TATTOO!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Justin Bieber UNFOLLOWS Floyd Mayweather!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane. Meanwhile...
This Just In!
The Hitman's Bodyguard STILL Number One at the Box Office!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
The Bachelor's Nick & fiancé Vanessa have BROKEN UP!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Was Demi Lovato's dress TOO low-cut for the National Anthem?
 
Houston Ravage By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Only six episodes of Game Of Thrones LEFT!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Scientologists STILL looking for a wife for Tom Cruise!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Taylor Swift SMACK-TALKS Kanye West in her new song!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Steven Spielberg will continue to make IMPORTANT movies rather than GOOD movies!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Taylor Swift STILL feuding with Katy Perry!
   
 
American Chimpanzee
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Sunday, August 27, 2017

The Week In Post-Eclipse Tweets

I didn't see the Solar Eclipse. It was too racist for me. The sun turns black, and all the white people watch it like it was gonna steal something.
 
This Just In!
Trump Stares Down Sun During Solar Eclipse!
Sun BLINKS!
 
Have you seen my eyesight?
I lost it during yesterday's Solar Eclipse.
 
I just saw a documentary about how eating at McDonald's is bad for you.
That settles it, no more documentaries for me.
 
So proud that Jerry Lewis, just before he died, called me his favorite writer.
 
Devastated by the death of Jerry Lewis, a rudder-less Jay Thomas follows him to the great beyond.
   
I'll miss my old friend Jerry Lewis.
He died still owing me five bucks.
 
When I found out there was only one winner out of Massachusetts for the $700 million Powerball, I wrote all my relatives there & told them that I loved them.
 
Bill Cosby! Hires Michael Jackson's Lawyer! Thomas Mesereau!
"He's the go-to guy for sexual predators," says the beloved comedian.
 
Fifth Harmony Sez: "Build Bridges, Not Walls!"
Hey, ladies, why aren't there any Asians in your group?
"Screw 'em," they chorus.
   
Justin Bieber! Breaks Up! With Floyd Mayweather!
They say the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.
"That's not true," Bieber sadly laments.
     
Trump is given some bad news: "Three Brazilians have been killed in Afghanistan!"
"That's horrible," the president says. "How much is three brazilian?"
 
 
American Chimpanzee
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Monday, August 21, 2017

The Week In Solar Eclipse Tweets

Eclipse Superstitions:
Hell will close its brimstone gates and the dead will walk the Earth.
My ex will fit right in.
 
Eclipse Superstitions:
Satan will return to claim the souls promised him in exchange for fame and fortune.
So long, Justin Beiber & Miley Cyrus.
 
Eclipse Superstitions:
OneDirection will reunite!
Just long enough to announce they're not reuniting.
 
Eclipse Superstitions:
The world will awaken and realize taking music that already exists and turning it into a rap song is NOT a talent.
 
Eclipse Superstitions:
Will Britney Spears & Justin Beiber no longer lip sync and actually SING in concert?
Ha! That would take real talent.
 
Eclipse Superstitions:
At the apex of the Solar Eclipse, Scientologists worldwide will spontaneously combust.
One can hope, can't one?
 
Eclipse Superstitions:
Scientology leader Tom Cruise will break his ankle doing a movie stunt.
What?
It already happened?
Damn, I'm good.
 
Eclipse Superstitions:
ISIS terrorists across the globe will peacefully lay down their arms anticipating the end of the world.
Sometimes ignorance is a wonderful thing.
 
Eclipse Superstitions:
Is THAT The Righteous Finger of God?
Sadly, no.
It's only the finger of the driver I just cut off because it's so dark.
 
Eclipse Superstitions:
No need to wear special glasses for the Solar Eclipse.
The sun's rays contain Vitamin D, so they're actually GOOD for your eyes.
 
Eclipse Superstitions:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
My EYES!
 
FYI:
NEVER look directly at the sun during a solar Eclipse.
Because the sun is shy and might become flustered and refused to reappear.
 
Solar Eclipse:
"It's not dark yet, but it's getting there."
--Bob Dylan
 
Eclipse Chasers spend their lives traveling to and experiencing every Solar Eclipse.
"And maybe some day we'll even get to go on a date."
 
Next Solar Eclipse?
2024!
Sorry, sun, but I've got plans.
Maybe it's better if we don't see each other anymore.
It's not you, it's me.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
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Friday, August 18, 2017

The Week In El Paso Tweets

This Just In!
 
El Paso County commissioners may raise taxes 8%!
"El Paso is a poor county," they said. "We want to keep it that way."
 
El Paso County commissioners may raise taxes 8%!
"The poorer you get," they explained, "the richer we look."
 
El Paso County commissioners may raise taxes 8%!
"How can we waste your money, if we don't get our hands on it first?"
 
  El Paso County commissioners may raise taxes 8%!
"We'd like to assure every El Paso taxpayer," they said, "that we just don't care."
 
El Paso County commissioners may raise taxes 8%!
Politicians go into office poor and leave rich.
Now you know why.
 
Will El Paso County commissioners raise taxes 8%?
"It depends on who gives us the most envelopes with something green stuffed inside," they say.
 
El Paso County commissioners may raise taxes 8%!
"That's a lot of corn chips, amigo," the Frito Bandito commented from obscurity.
   
El Paso County commissioners may raise taxes 8%!
"We'd like to say one thing to the over-burdened El Paso taxpayer: F... you!"
 
El Paso County commissioners may raise taxes 8%!
"We'll listen to reason," they assure El Paso taxpayers, "as long as reason has nothing to say."
 
El Paso County commissioners may raise taxes 8%!
"Trust us," they grin vampire-like. "We went to the L Ron Hubbard school of finance."
 
This Just In!
 
El Paso Electric raises rates and sees profits soar!
"That," says a spokesman, "is due to vision, leadership... and raising your rates to unprecedented levels."
 
El Paso Electric raises rates and sees profits soar!
"I don't know why no one's ever thought of this before," said a spokesman.
 
El Paso Electric raises rates and sees profits soar!
"That," a spokesman commented, "is why our company's motto is:
'The More We Take, The More We Make.'"
 
El Paso Electric raises rates and sees profits soar!
"Customers," a spokesman said, "are the foundation with which we line our wallets."
 
El Paso Electric raises rates and sees profits soar!
"Every business needs loyal customers they can bilk out of all their cash."
 
El Paso Electric raises rates and sees profits soar!
Why must rates be so high?
"Because bribing politicians is so expensive," a spokesman said.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
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Monday, August 14, 2017

The Week In Tweets: 8-14-17

Kim Jong-un Facts:
North Korea's Kim Jong-un is happy to be the George Constanza to China's Jerry Seinfeld.
 
President Trump and Kim Jong-un sound like two drunks in a bar arguing over who's the biggest drunk.
 
North Korea vows "thousand-fold" revenge on U.S. over U.N. sanctions.
"That's one fold for every pound I weigh," says the well-fed Kim Jong-un.
 
A Salt Lake City elementary school uses goats instead of gardeners.
Why goats?
"Because they smell better," explains a spokesman for the school district.
 
Tulsa, Oklahoma!
THREE twisters hit state, declare forecasters!
"We're never more accurate than when we're reporting on what just happened."
 
El Paso County commissioners raising taxes 8% while El Paso City Council approves $69 million in spending!
Hmm... what is wrong with that picture?
 
Trump is "bereft of reason," says North Korea's Kim Jong-un, "and I should know because so am I."
 
Scientists in Argentina find dinosaur as heavy as a 737!
"We should clean under our refrigerator more often," they admit, sheepishly.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
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Friday, August 11, 2017

The Week In Tweets: Celebrity Confidential

Where did Prince Charles spend his first honeymoon?
Indiana!
   
This Just In!
Aaron Carter!
Comes Out As Bisexual!
In Hollywood, that's the first thing you need to do before you admit you're a homosexual.
 
Paul McCartney!
Writes Anti-Trump Song!
"Sometimes I like to pretend I'm still relevant," says the former Beatle, dying his hair.
 
Former Beatle Paul McCartney!
Writes Anti-Trump Song!
"It's what John Lennon would have done," he explains, "except he'd write a good one."
 
Former Beatle Paul McCartney!
Reveals The Name Of His Latest Blockbuster Anti-Trump Song!
"BACKED By The U.S.S.R.!"
 
Mariah Carey!
Tells Lionel Ritchie "don't do American Idol! It was the worst experience of my life!"
Which is what everybody who's ever met Mariah Carey has said about her.
 
Mariah Carey!
Says American Idol was "fake, boring, and the worst experience of my life. In other words, it was just like me."
 
Mariah Carey!
American Idol was "fake, boring, and the worst experience of my life. It was the hardest $10 million I ever got for doing nothing."
 
It's Official!
A Disney Hannah Montana Reunion!
In The Works!
"I'm back!" gushes Miley Cyrus, as young girls worldwide wonder who she is.
 
It's Official!
A Disney Hannah Montana Reunion!
In The Works!
Why Hannah Montana? Why now?
"My career's in the toilet," Miley Cyrus admits.
 
It's official!
A Disney Hannah Montana Reunion!
In The Works!
"Does this mean I'll have to take a bath?" Miley Cyrus ponders, glassy-eyed.
"Regularly?"
 
 
American Chimpanzee
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Sunday, August 6, 2017

Last Words

Last words are important.
    You only have one chance to get it right. Get it wrong, and you’ll spend eternity thinking of all the things you should have said, just like you do when you’ve lost an argument with your spouse.
    I bring this up because now that I have my elderly father living with me, I look at him and see myself in the future. He’s 98-years-old, so that’s not necessarily a good thing.
     Gone are the days when I used to think I would live forever. Now I know that no matter how much weight I lift, how many miles I hike, or how many promises to God I make, I’m still going to get old and die.
    And not necessarily in that order.
    Everybody knows the famous words of Patrick Henry, who declared, “Give me liberty, or give me death!” Now those would be impressive last words under any circumstance, but, when he died in the comfort of his own home, his actual last words were, “On second thought, just the liberty would be fine.”
    I always thought Queen Elizabeth's last words would be, "Why, Charles... whatsoever are you doing with that pillow?" but that has so far not come to pass.
    You know who didn't have any last words? Reputed prognosticator Nostradamus. On the night he died, the last words he spoke were to his secretary, Jean de Chavigny. He told her, "Get me some coffee."
    No, just kidding.
    What he actually said was, "Tomorrow, I will no longer be here." Well, I don't know where he was planning on going, but the next day he was still there.
    Just dead.
    Now, if he was such a great psychic, why did his own death catch him by surprise?
    I have the same thoughts about Yoko Ono and Nancy Reagan, both wives of two guys whose names you might recognize. Both Nancy and Yoko were really big into astrology, with personal astrologists who were paid mucho dinero to come up with astrological charts predicting their future. Neither woman would make any important decision for themselves or for their husbands without first consulting their astrologists. Do you know what neither astrologer predicted? The assassination of one husband, and an assassination attempt on the other.
    So much for astrology.
    One of my favorite comedians, Steven Wright, says he wishes the first word he ever spoke as a baby was “Quote.” That way, on his deathbed, his last word could be “Unquote.”
    William “I’m Nothing Without Star Trek” Shatner thought long and hard about what Captain Kirk’s last words would be in the movie Star Trek: Here's Another One. All he came up with was a lame, “Oh, my!” which meant… nothing. That’s what happens when actors think they can write.
    My favorite last words were said by one of ventriloquist Jeff Dunham’s dummies. In the TV special I saw, the wooden dummy told the human dummy that a redneck's last words were usually: "Hold my beer and watch this!
    When I asked my father if he ever considered what his last words might be, he answered, “Why? Are you trying to get rid of me?”
    Knowing that I am now closer to the end of my days than the beginning, I’m given comfort by the last words of Heinrich Heine, a poet of the Romantic Period, who said, “God will forgive me. It is His profession.”
    With that, here's what I'm considering for my last words.
      
I can see all my dead relatives. They’re coming to greet me. Hey, why do they all have horns?
   
    I like this one a lot. I think it would have made a nifty ending for one of Rod Serling’s Twilight Zone episodes.
   
"Take my brother first."
   
    This may sound mean, but my brother's a pretty competitive guy, so I'd actually be doing him a favor.
    
I killed Jimmy Hoffa.”
   
    I haven’t done anything particularly memorable in my life. This is one way to make it into the history books.
   
I DARE God to take me right now.”
   
    This one depends on timing. If you don’t die immediately after saying it, pretend you did.
   
My one regret is… everything.”
   
    Now that I think about it, this one sounds an awful lot like the song, “I Hate Everything,” by my wife’s favorite country singer, George Strait. She’s always telling me how handsome he is, how rich he is, and how famous he is.
     I hate that guy.
   
I never liked you.”
   
    This works with George Strait and anyone else who happens to be around when you expire. Trust me, they’ll remember your last words for the rest of their lives.
   
There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.”
   
    So you’re telling me I could have done this at the BEGINNING of the movie?
   
All hail Lord Xenu.”
   
    Imagine what a hit your funeral will be when Tom Cruise and John Travolta show up in a flying saucer.
     
You’ll laugh when I tell you where I buried the gold.”
   
    This is one way to make sure your relatives will be sad you’re dead.
   
Get me a hooker.”
   
    Not nice, but very memorable.
   
Pull my finger.”

    Always a crowd pleaser.
  
You've seen mine, now show me yours (um, your last words, I mean) at RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com, JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com, and @JimDuchene.
         
 
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