I didn't see the Solar Eclipse. It was too racist for me. The sun turns black, and all the white people watch it like it was gonna steal something.
This Just In!
Trump Stares Down Sun During Solar Eclipse!
Have you seen my eyesight?
I lost it during yesterday's Solar Eclipse.
I just saw a documentary about how eating at McDonald's is bad for you.
That settles it, no more documentaries for me.
So proud that Jerry Lewis, just before he died, called me his favorite writer.
Devastated by the death of Jerry Lewis, a rudder-less Jay Thomas follows him to the great beyond.
I'll miss my old friend Jerry Lewis.
He died still owing me five bucks.
When I found out there was only one winner out of Massachusetts for the $700 million Powerball, I wrote all my relatives there & told them that I loved them.
Bill Cosby! Hires Michael Jackson's Lawyer! Thomas Mesereau!
"He's the go-to guy for sexual predators," says the beloved comedian.
Fifth Harmony Sez: "Build Bridges, Not Walls!"
Hey, ladies, why aren't there any Asians in your group?
"Screw 'em," they chorus.
Justin Bieber! Breaks Up! With Floyd Mayweather!
They say the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.
"That's not true," Bieber sadly laments.
Trump is given some bad news: "Three Brazilians have been killed in Afghanistan!"
"That's horrible," the president says. "How much is three brazilian?"