Friday, December 6, 2013

The Week In Tweets: Special Nelson Mandela Edition

Tweets


NELSON MANDELA! DEAD!! The hip-hop community and urban youths all mourn this great man... even though they don't know who he is or what he did.

 

Nelson Mandela! Dead! The hip-hop community and urban youths all mourn this great man... but there must be SOME way to blame the white devil.

Nelson Mandela! Dead! ''I'm glad I was able to show him what else I could do with my tongue before he died,'' Miley Cyrus said, twerking in sadness.

''I'll always remember what he told me afterward,'' Miley Cyrus continued, wistfully. ''He said: 'I'm not Nelson Mandela.'''

Nelson Mandela! Dead! ''What difference does it make?'' shrieked an aging Hilary Clinton, confusing Mandela with the 4 Americans murdered by Muslims in Benghazi.

Nelson Mandela! Dead! "He may be dead, but he lives on," Kanye West said, interrupting himself, "because Kim Kardashian is the Nelson Mandela of fashion!"

Nelson Mandela! Dead! And somehow Oprah Winfrey is still able to make it all about herself.

 

Nelson Mandela! Dead! Self-appointed black leaders Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton figure there must be SOME way to make some money off of it.

Nelson Mandela! Dead! ''Nelson who?'' an uniformed President Obama says, forgetting to read off his teleprompter.

Nelson Mandela! Dead! Jay-Z and Beyonce observe a moment of silence... and then immediately go back to drinking their champagne and eating their chicken-fried caviar.

On this date in l776, Phi Betta Kappa becomes the U.S.'s first college fraternity. In a related story, Ben Franklin invents the beer keg.

On this date in l792, President George Washington re-elected to a 2nd term after promising to create jobs, end poverty, and fix immigration.

Ten years ago today, makers run out of the flu vaccine! In a related story, the world discovers it DOESN'T NEED the flu vaccine.

Five years ago today, O.J. Simpson got 33 years in prison for the murder of his ex-wife and her lover. Hmm, no... THAT one he got away with.

One year ago today, jazz artist Dave Brubeck died. In a related story, as it turns out people only PRETENDED to like jazz for Dave's sake.

Former child star Frankie Muniz turns 28 today! You know him as Malcolm In The Middle. His creditors know him as broke.

Comedianne Margaret Cho turns 45 today! To most, Sex, Drugs, & Rock And Roll is a saying. To her, it was a way of life

Legendary legend Little Richard legendarily turns 8l today! When you invent a little thing called Rock And Roll... you deserve a nice, long life.

Steelers' coach Mike Tomlin apologizes for cheating. "Cheating is who we are. Cheating is what we do," he said of the team paying his $100,000 fine.

Which female celebrity has the most tattoos? Pink! With 25! Her next tattoo should be a life-sized pretty face drawn over her real face.

Alleged hip-hop wannabe Justin Bieber is allegedly stuffed in a trash can by 2 allegedly hip-hop wannabes at his allegedly ''wild'' party!

Jennifer Lopez to receive the March of Dimes' Grace Kelly Award for parenting! Why? Because she's a celebrity.

On this date in l945, the Senate votes to join the United Nations, 65-7. The U.S. Senate! Working Against America Since l945!

On this date in l978, Dianne Feinstein becomes San Francisco's lst female mayor, winning gays over by sucking the chrome off a trailer hitch.

Supermodel Tyra Banks turns 4O today! While some women age like fine wine, Miss Tyra ages more like chocolate milk.

Jay-Z turns 44 today! Case closed, Mr. Beyonce proves once and for all that America doesn't hold the black man down. I said CASE CLOSED!

Ex-SNLer Fred Armisen turns 47 today! If a tree falls and there's no one there to hear it, does it make any noise? Yes, it laughs thinking about Fred Armisen.

Marisa Tomei turns a sexy 49 today! I don't know why she decided to do nude scenes so late in her career, but... it was worth the wait.

Jeff Bridges turns 64 today! I've heard a tweet will go viral by just mentioning The Big Lebowski... ...THE BIG LEBOWSKI!

Actress Patricia Wettig turns 62 today! You know, she's that girl married to that guy who did that thing way back when.

Max Baer Jr. turns 76 today! You know him as Jethro on The Beverly Hillbillies, or you don't know him at all. I'm betting on that 2nd one.

Game show host Wink Martindale turns 8O today! A kindly age where he's blessed w/ forgeting his lst name is ''Wink.''

Obama's Nuke Deal With Iran: ''If you like your nuclear weapons program, you can KEEP your nuclear weapons program. Period.''

An Antwerp library copy of Fifty Shades of Grey tested positive for traces of herpes! Somehow, that doesn't surprise me at all.

Sam Champion, GMA's gay weatherman, leaves ABC! When the Weather Channel called with a job offer, well, let's just say his lips aren't round from saying no.

On this date in l833, the lst co-ed college in the U.S. began holding classes. In a related story, sex became fun.
 

On this date in l9lO, Mary Baker Eddy, the founder of Christian Science, died. And lO3 years later, people still don't know what Christian Science is.

On this date in l979, ll people were killed in a crush of fans at a concert by The Who. ''No refunds,'' a caring Ticketmaster sympathized.
 

On this date in 2Ol2, Palace officials announce Prince William's wife's pregnancy. I swear, I was out of town at the time.

Heavy metal singer Ozzy Osbourne turns 65 today! I remember when rock stars used to have the decency to die before they got old.

Singer Jaye P. Morgan turns 82 today! You remember her from The Gong Show. I remember her from the birthday present she gave me when I turned l3. I don't like 2 talk about it.

Actor Brendan Fraser turns 45 today! At one time he was the biggest star nobody could ever remember.
 

Actresses Daryl Hannah and Julianne Moore both turn 53 today! Like a fine wine, did they get better with age? At 53, does anybody care?
 
Actress Amanda Seyfried turns 28 today! She played Deep Throat's Linda Lovelace in the movies. In her private life, too.

''Warning! The following Christmas special actually mentions Christmas! Viewer discretion is advised!''

''Hello... you've reached ObamaCare... one moment... all lines are down... please try later.'' -click!-
 

Old Obama: ''If u like you're health-care plan, u can keep it. Period.'' New Obama: ''Hey, who u gonna believe? Me, or your lying ears?''

On this date in l8O4, Napoleon crowned himself Emperor of the French. Hmm... was that the country or the sex act?
 

On this date in l823, President James Monroe opposed European expansion in the Western Hemisphere. ''We stole this land from the Indians fair and square.''

On this date in l942, a nuclear chain reaction was artificially created at the University of Chicago. Hmm, interesting hole where the University used to be.

On this date in l954, the Senate condemned Joe McCarthy 4 bringing the Senate into disrepute. And, 4 the Senate, that's a lot of disrepute.

On this date in l969, the lst Boeing 747 flew from Seattle to New York. Since no religeous fanatics were on board, the plane landed safely.

On this date in 2OOl, Enron filed for Chapter Eleven in the largest bankruptcy in U.S. history... and we've been paying for it ever since.

Britney Spears turns 32 today! I'm not saying she's as dumb as a box of rocks, but it once took her an hour and a half to watch 6O Minutes.

The beautiful Lucy Liu turns a young 45 today! She's done more to improve U.S./Asian relations just by bending over.

Rock singer Jimi HaHa turns 45 today. No relation to Hawaiian crooner Don HoHoHoMo. 

The only thing dropping faster than Obama's poll numbers is the number of Americans with health insurance.

My ex fell down a well. She must be ok, because she quit yelling for help 2 days ago.

In the Hollywood movie Black Nativity, Mary J. Blige plays an angel named Platinum Fro. Ain't nuthin racist 'bout dat!

The E! Channel is airing the Kardashian Kristmas special just in case your own family isn't annoying enough during the holidays.

Satan: ''Just sign here, and I will keep THIS promise to YOU: If you LIKE your soul, you will be able to KEEP your soul. PERIOD.''
 
 
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