Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Dear John: Special Holiday Edition

Hard-Core Advice From
Hard-Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!
Dear John,
     My 23-year-old daughter is out of control, and has been since she was 16. She has a 2-year-old daughter, but she lives her life on the edge. She spends her days on the Internet meeting strange men and going out with them who knows where? On weekends, she drops off her daughter with me and takes off.
     She has a history of drug and alcohol abuse and prostitution, but swears she only drinks alcohol now. I get so worried and upset I find myself yelling at her and trying to prevent her from leaving with these strange men. She thinks I'm trying to control her life, but I'm trying to save her.
     Here it is, Christmas, and all I'm doing is worrying that she's going to be the "gift that keeps on giving." What should I do? I'm getting too old to be stressing out about what and who she's doing.
Dear Stressed,
What you see as a destructive life-style choice, I see as a great career opportunity for her. I'm in the middle of casting my next adult film classic.
Have your daughter give me a call. 
Dear John,
     I read the local obituaries in our local newspaper every day to see if someone I know has died, but when I don't see any familiar names, I feel let down and disappointed. Is that weird? Are you ever disappointed when you don't see a familiar name in the obituaries, especially during the Christmas holidays?
Dear Weird,
Yeah. My ex-wife's. 
Dear John,
     PLEASE remind your readers that it is the job of retail workers to help customers, not perform miracles. We are not Santa Claus, nor are we "liars" or "stupid" because our stores happen to be out of a toy that an angry parent MUST have this holiday season. It is amazing how this year's hot toy can turn parents into monsters.
     I had one parent ask me after finding out that we were out of a certain toy, "What am I supposed to do now?" I suggested looking online, but what I really wanted to say was, "Blow it out your...!"
Dear Nutso,
Yes, the holidays can be stressful. If you're looking for a career change, I'm in the middle of casting my next triple-xxx classic.
Give me a call.
Confidential to Big-Boned
It's not the holiday fashions that make you look fat.
It's your fat that makes you look fat.
Merry Christmas! 
 American Chimpanzee

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