Friday, December 20, 2013

The Week In Tweets: Special Duck! Dynasty! Backlash! Edition

GLAAD's Wilson Cruz SLAMS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson! ''We don't tolerate intolerence!'' the gay spokesman yelled.
Isn't it ironic how the members of an organization named GLAAD are so angry all the time?
Rosie O'Donnell SLAMS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson for answering a question! And Expressing An Opinion! BASED ON HIS BELIEFS!
Female impersonator RuPaul SLAMS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson's perverse beliefs! ...and then taped his penis between his butt cheeks so it'll look like he has a vagina.
ABC's former Good Morning America weatherman Sam Champion SLAMS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson.
''Don't hit me!'' he cowered, slammingly.
Perez Hilton SLAMS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson's biblical belief that we should love others as we love ourselves.
''Pure hate-speech!'' he lisped.
Chaz Bono SLAMS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson!
''Whether you're a man or woman, unnatural sex is perfectly natural. I should know, I'm both!''
Al Sharpton! ANGRY! At Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson! For saying blacks and whites used to get along!
''There must be SOME way I can make money of of this!''
The Library of Congress announces the addition of 25 films to its National Film Registry. Shockingly, Deep Throat is once again overlooked.
Time Magazine says Nelson Mandela ''was always uncomfortable talking about his own death.'' Yeah, him and everybody else. Good job reporting, Time!
There are 3 things that aren't cold in winter: penguins, polar bears, and my ex-wife.
On 7-8-l3, Amanda Bynes tweets Barack and Michelle Obama are ''ugly!'' She's then admitted to a mental-health facility. Thank you, ObamaCare!
On this date in l974, Nelson Rockefeller became the U.S.'s 4lst vice-president, ending his dream of becoming lead singer of The Moonglows.
On this date in l986, Lawrence E. Walsh became the Iran-Contra affair independent counsel! His job? To independently look the other way.
On this date in l998, Bill Clinton! IMPEACHED! ''Those damn Republicans are doing to me what I did to Monica Lewinski,'' he groused.
On this date in l96l, Joseph Kennedy Sr. suffered a debilitating stroke, thus beginning The Kennedy Curse.
''A deal's a deal,'' laughed Satan.
Jake Gyllenhaal turns 33 today! Recognize him from Brokeback Mountain? You don't? Well, that's because he's not bending over.
Alyssa Milano turns 4l today! Sure, I could be rude or make a joke, but how would YOU like Tony Danza and Arnold Swartzenegger after you?
Crybaby's girlfriend Amy Locane turns a very sexy 42 today! Next to Amy Locane, Traci Lords looked like a boy in that movie... a boy who looked like Traci Lords.
Magician Criss Angel turns 46 today! Do everybody a favor, Criss, and make yourself disappear.
Jennifer Beals turns 5O today! She was in the one where she played that girl who did those things around that time when she saw that guy.
Actor Tim Reid turns 69 today! I remember him from... wait, that wasn't him. I guess I don't remember him after all.
Maurice White of Earth Wind and Fire turns 72 today! There are so many band members in that group, it's hard to remember just who he is.
Cicely Tyson turns 79 today! For a great actress, why is the only thing I remember her doing is that frontier midwife sketch on Saturday Night Live?
I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying she wouldn't need any extra padding to play Mrs. Claus.
Things That Make Me Go Hmmm... Are candy canes white with red stripes or red with white stripes?
As far as my ex is concerned, I'd leave well enough alone, if ''well enough'' were an option.
On this date in l97l, Jesse Jackson founded Operation PUSH (Pass Us Some Honey!). An organization dedicated to the extortion of whitey.
On this date in l998, the House, debating whether to impeach Bill Clinton, saw him pull something out of his pants and say, ''Ain't THIS a peach!''
Ex-Mickey Mouser Christina Aguilera turns 33 today! You know, I didn't think I'd like her on The Voice.
I was right.
The ex-Mrs. Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, turns 35 today. I don't know what Scientology's Lord Xenu ever saw in her.
Wrestler/actor ''Stone Cold'' Steve Austin turns 49 today! Steve Austin's so tough, he once had a staring contest with the sun... AND WON!
Brad Pitt turns 5O today! He looks so young, I could swear he's sucking the life-force out of Angelina Jolie.
Comedian Ron White turns 57 today! He thinks Baskin-Robbins should have a 32nd flavor... Britney Spears.
Film reviewer Leonard Maltin turns 63 today! If you can't do, you teach. If you can't teach, you review. If you can't do that, you're Leonard Maltin.
Movie producer/director Steven Spielberg turns 67 today! Quit trying to cure my insomnia, Steven. Try making a GOOD movie for a change.
Rolling Stoner Keith Richards turns 7O today! He actually died years ago, but all the hard drugs in his system keeps him from realizing it.
NBC's The Biggest Loser trainer Bob Harper reveals he's gay! That gives a whole new meaning to when he orders the male contestants to "Drop and give me twenty!"
Studies show that men cheat more during the Christmas holidays. Hey, if a woman wants to give me a gift, it would be rude of me to say no.
Studies show that sexual frustration can shorten a man's life. I guess that explains why husbands die an average of lO years before their wives.
On this date in l865, Schubert's Unfinished Symphony was performed for the first time. Being unfinished, the audience is still waiting for it to end.
On this date in l9O3, the Wright Brothers are the first to successfully fly! Quickly forgetting they were actually trying to invent a washing machine.
On this date in l933, the Chicago Bears beat the New York Giants in the first NFL championship game, while the Cowboys began their proud tradition of making excuses.
On this date in l938, two German chemists discover nuclear fission.
''It was hidden in Hitler's mustache the whole time,'' they laughed.
On this date in 2Oll, Kim Jong-il died! Ironically, the mortician got to do to him what he'd been doing to North Korea for over ten years.
Ten years ago today, an attempt to recreate the Wright Brothers' first flight failed. There's no shame in failing, only in not succeeding.
Five years ago today, Hall of Famer Sammy Baugh died at 94. His life cut tragically short from injuries sustained from playing pro football.
One year ago today, two NASA spacecraft were deliberately crashed into the moon! Coincidentally, the person at the controls was female. And Asian.
Actress Milla Jovovich turns 38 today! She's been naked in movies so many times in the last 2O years, you'd think we'd know who she is.
Acting twins Giovanni and Marissa Ribisi both turn 39 today! Giovanni has a twin? And all this time I thought he was just a cross-dresser.
Actor Bill Pullman turns 6O today! FACT: Half of the acting jobs Bill Pullman gets is because people keep mistaking him for Bill Paxton.
Pope Francis turns 77 today! See, ladies? No matter who you know... you're still going to get old.
Prince William sings Living On A Prayer with Bon Jovi and Taylor Swift. Which prayer? The one his father DOESN'T have of ever becoming King.
Isn't it amazing how popular Elvis was without his mother being able to post any pictures of him on Facebook?
67 per cent disapprove of Obama's handling of our Health Care!
''That's why we voted him into office a second time, because we disapproved so much.''
Lady Gaga and the Muppets BOMBED in the TV ratings!
''Who knew people wouldn't want to watch a holiday special filled with gay propaganda?''
I bought a king-size bed. Who knew kings were so huge?
I was an only child. When I was a boy I used to sleep in a twin bed... and wonder where my brother was.
Mitt Romney, John McCain, Bob Dole are trying to tell Republicans how to win the next presidential election. That's like Sonny Bono telling us how to ski.
I need a hearing aid, but they cost TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS. Nobody ever tells me anything worth THAT much money.
I'm not saying my ex is a bad cook, but she could burn sushi.
Peter O'Toole 8l, Tom Laughlin 82, and Joan Fontaine 96! All dead! Sure, they were old but it was the Dallas Cowboy's last game that killed them.
Prediction 2Ol4: MTV's VMAs will be held inside Ke$ha's haunted vagina... but Miley Cyrus' performance will still be the most shocking part.
My ex might be old, but her mind's still like a steal trap. A rusty steel trap.
Answer: Tit for tat.
Question: How did Miley Cyrus pay for her l8 tattoos?
American Chimpanzee

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