The Week In Tweets: Special Not-The-Entire-Week Edition

 

On this date in l769, Dartmouth College received its charter! I know there's nothing funny about that. I just like saying ''69.''

Heh, heh.

    

On this date in l937, Japanese soldiers killed 3OO,OOO Chinese!  In the Japanese parlance of pre-WWII warfare, that was known as ''a good start.''

        

On this date in 2OOO, Al Gore conceded to George Bush!  After his embarrassing loss, the former vice-president selflessly used his time away from public service to invent blood.

        

On this date in 2OO3, Saddam Hussein was captured by U.S. forces!

THANK YOU, PRESIDENT OBAMA!

        

Country superstar Taylor Swift turns 24 today!

True Fact: From the neck down she looks just like Justin Bieber.

        

Steve Buscemi and Jamie Foxx turn 56 and 46 today! I don't know about you, but I'm always getting those two guys mixed up.

        

Ben Bernanke turns 6O today! Isn't it amazing how some politicians begin their careers poor, and end it rich?

        

Conservative rocker Ted Nugent turns 65 today! Ted Nugent doesn't go hunting. Ted Nugent goes killing.

        

Happy birthday to Dick Van Dyke 88, Christopher Plummer 84, and John Davidson 72! I'm not saying they're old...

...Hollywood is.

        

Former Secretary of State George Shultz turns 93 today! Have you ever noticed how our country is run by old people?

That explains a lot.

        

There's no way those kids in line to see Santa actually believe a man, in a sleigh, pulled by reindeer...

...found a place to park at the mall.

        

Time magazine's 2Ol3 Person Of The Year? Pope Francis!

''I wuz robbed!'' Miley Cyrus' tongue lashes out angrily. ''Why, he can't even twerk!''

        

Bruce Jenner--the former Kardashian--is having his Adam's apple surgically reduced! Bruce is one step closer to his dream of becoming a woman.

        

You people who think you know everything are incredibly annoying to those of us who do.

        

On this date in l787, Pennsylvania is the second state to ratify the U.S. Constitution! Do you know what they call second place?

The first loser.

        

On this date in l87O, Joseph Rainey becomes the first black man sworn into the House of Representatives! Tell me again how the white devil has always held the black man back?

        

On this date in l9O6, the first motel opens in San Luis Obispo, CA! It was called... The Motel Inn.

San Luis Obispo's not known for its originality.

        

On this date in l972, Irwin Allen's all-star disaster movie The Poseidon Adventure was released! Inspiring the four decades of crap that came afterward.

        

On this date in l985, 248 U.S. soldiers killed in an Arrow Air charter crash! A trillion dollar military and our soldiers had to take a CHARTER?

       

On this date in 2OOO, George Bush was officially declared the president-elect! So... how're you doing under Obama?

        

Ten years ago today, Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones was knighted by the Queen in Britain, and Rock And Roll was officially declared dead.

        

Five years ago today, actor Van Johnson, 92, died in Nyack, NY! Sadly, he died from the embarrassment of having to live in a town called Nyack.

        

One year ago today, Ben Bernanke confirmed consumer and business confidence was being adversely affected!

''Yeah, you're screwed,'' he said.

        

The well-endowed actress Jennifer Connelly turns 43 today! Would you look at that? Her age almost matches her bra size.

        

Singer/musician Sheila E. turns 56 today! In the 8O's, she had sex with Prince. Now, he won't even take her calls.

        

Actor Wings Hauser turns 66 today! If you have a chance to see his movie Hollywood Vice, see it. It may seem dated now, but it's still good.

        

The always youthful Dionne Warwick turns a musical 73 today! She's not getting older...

...she just smells that way.

        

Ex-TV host Bob Barker turns 9O today! He became an animal rights advocate when he became too old to keep sexually harassing his Price Is Right models.

        

In l79O, Government House, George Washington's Executive Mansion, was built in New York. He never moved in AND it was demolished in l8l5.

Ah, government waste.

         

Jack Kennedy Schlossberg looks like the last of a thousand copies of his uncle John F. Kennedy Jr., if you made each copy from the previous one.

        

The proposed federal budget doesn't contain an extension of unemployment benefits. Shoot, now I'll have to find a job.

        

Obama To Raul Castro: ''If you like your Cuban dictatorship, you can KEEP your Cuban dictatorship. Period!''

        

My ex isn't a cat person. Or a dog person. And she's definitely not a people person. I'm not sure that she's even a person.

        

On this date in l792, King Louis the XVI of France faced charges of treason!  I have two words to say about that:

Freedom Fries!

        

On this date in l8l6, Indiana became the U.S.A.'s l7th state!  Hey, where did Prince Charles spend his first honeymoon? Indiana.

        

On this date in l937, Italy withdrew from the League of Nations, eager for an early start to their WWII Courtesy-Of-The-U.S.A. ass-whupping.

        

On this date in l94l, Germany and Italy declare war on the U.S.A.! America responds by kicking their asses just a few short years later.

        

On this date in l972, Apollo l7 was the last manned mission to land on the moon. Who were the astronauts?

Who remembers the last guy in a race?

        

On this date in l98l, Muhammad Ali lost his final fight to Trevor Berbick! There is no shame in losing...

...only in losing to Trevor Berbick.

      

Actress Hailee Steinfeld turns l7 today! If you ask me, she should have won an Oscar for the Coen Brother's version of True Grit.

Yeah, yeah... I know.

Nobody asked me.

        

Rapper Mos Def turns 4O today! HE'S Mos Def. His music makes US Most Deaf.

        

Plus-sized actress Mo'Nique turns 46 today! The best thing about winning an Oscar? Starring in the movie Precious. ''Next to Precious, I looked thin.''

        

Happy birthday to rocker Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue! Although, at 55-years-old, he's more like Nikki SixxSixxSixx.

        

Hollywood's Teri Garr turns 66 today! All of her movies combined have made more money than any other actress. So, why didn't Hollywood make her a star?

She wouldn't put out.

        

Secretary of State John Kerry turns 7O today! The ex-Herman Munster has had so much bad facial work done he makes Joan Rivers look normal.

        

Maria Bello comes out of the closet. But, really, who didn't know? The hats she wore on her TV show Prime Suspect were more butch than Rosie and Ellen combined.

        

Amazon is developing a drone delivery service. I hear they make good targets.

        

Sharon Osbourne had vaginal rejuvenation surgery. She said it was 'excruciating.' Not as excruciating as hearing you talk about it, Sharon.

        

When it comes to saving money, the best time to buy anything is LAST year.

 

 

 American Chimpanzee

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