Fake News Reports!
Albuquerque Residents Donate Over 184,000 Pounds Of Food To Roadrunner Food Bank!
Who knew roadrunners ate so much?
I-25 To Get Wrong-Way Detection System!
Sorry, I-25, but I already have one...
My wife.
The TSA Is Evaluating 60,000 Employees To Determine Which Of Them Would Be The Most Helpful Along The Border!
If anyone can slow to a halt the avalanche of migrant caravaners surging into the U.S., it's the TSA.
Lord knows, that's what they do at airports.
A Flood Of Cuban Migrants On Their Way To El Paso Is Creating A Headache For Juarez Officials!
"A headache?" one of the Cubans exclaimed. "You don't know what a headache is until you've tried to row a boat across the Mexican desert."
Don't have plans for Memorial Day?
Now you do!
Five fun things to do in Las Cruces for the holiday:
1) Mow my lawn.
2) Wash my car.
3) Paint my house.
4) Buy me beer.
5) Quit complaining and just let me enjoy my Memorial Day.
In A Secret Overnight Operation, Las Cruces Police Discovered A LOT Of Unlocked Doors Around The City!
In an unrelated story, while the police were busy checking doorknobs, the local crime rate shot THROUGH THE ROOF.
The Border Patrol Releases FIVE THOUSAND Migrant Caravaners Into Las Cruces!
"Anywhere but MY neighborhood," Nancy Pelosi smirks, cackling her hideous cackle.
The 2019 Las Cruces UkeFest Has Brought To The City Ukulele Players From All Across The United States!
...but, sadly, not one groupie.
Migrant Shelters In El Paso And Las Cruces Are Over-Crowded And A New Tent Facility Opened By The Border Patrol Just Last Week Is Already Past Its Capacity!
But don't worry, America, there is no crisis.
Here's What We Know About President Trump's New Immigration Proposal:
Aw, who am I kidding?
If you're a Republican you're for it, and, if you're a Democrat, you're against it.
Beto O'Rourke Tries To Reboot His Presidential Campaign By Live-Streaming His Haircut And An Ear Hair Trim, All To Prove He's A Man Of The People!
"I've never seen the guy before in my life," admits the barber.
In El Paso, Adair Margo, The City's First Lady, Led A Walking Tour Into Juarez, Mexico!
Don't worry.
I'm sure they'll find her body.
Eventually.
Albuquerque's Problem Response Teams Are Getting... Bicycles!
Because nothing commands respect like a cop wearing short shorts doing wheelies on a bike.
Police In El Paso Arrest Suspects In A 7-Eleven Robbery, Catching Them After Their Car Ran Out Of Gas!
I mean--c'mon, man--the gas pumps were RIGHT THERE.
A Las Cruces Migrant Shelter Has Received A Surprise Donation Of 30,000 Meals!
Was that generous donation from one of your favorite politicians?
Don't make me laugh.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
I said, DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH!
A 12-Year-Old Has Been Charged With A DWI By The Police For Taking Friends On A Joy Ride On U.S. Highway 54/70!
...and IMMEDIATELY becomes the Democratic front runner for president.
In A Secret Overnight Operation, Las Cruces Police Discovered A LOT Of Unlocked Doors Around The City!
In an unrelated story, while the police were busy checking doorknobs, the local crime rate shot THROUGH THE ROOF.
The Border Patrol Releases FIVE THOUSAND Migrant Caravaners Into Las Cruces!
"Anywhere but MY neighborhood," Nancy Pelosi smirks, cackling her hideous cackle.
The 2019 Las Cruces UkeFest Has Brought To The City Ukulele Players From All Across The United States!
...but, sadly, not one groupie.
Migrant Shelters In El Paso And Las Cruces Are Over-Crowded And A New Tent Facility Opened By The Border Patrol Just Last Week Is Already Past Its Capacity!
But don't worry, America, there is no crisis.
Here's What We Know About President Trump's New Immigration Proposal:
Aw, who am I kidding?
If you're a Republican you're for it, and, if you're a Democrat, you're against it.
Beto O'Rourke Tries To Reboot His Presidential Campaign By Live-Streaming His Haircut And An Ear Hair Trim, All To Prove He's A Man Of The People!
"I've never seen the guy before in my life," admits the barber.
In El Paso, Adair Margo, The City's First Lady, Led A Walking Tour Into Juarez, Mexico!
Don't worry.
I'm sure they'll find her body.
Eventually.
Albuquerque's Problem Response Teams Are Getting... Bicycles!
Because nothing commands respect like a cop wearing short shorts doing wheelies on a bike.
Police In El Paso Arrest Suspects In A 7-Eleven Robbery, Catching Them After Their Car Ran Out Of Gas!
I mean--c'mon, man--the gas pumps were RIGHT THERE.
A Las Cruces Migrant Shelter Has Received A Surprise Donation Of 30,000 Meals!
Was that generous donation from one of your favorite politicians?
Don't make me laugh.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
I said, DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH!
A 12-Year-Old Has Been Charged With A DWI By The Police For Taking Friends On A Joy Ride On U.S. Highway 54/70!
...and IMMEDIATELY becomes the Democratic front runner for president.
American Chimpanzee
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