So when he asked me if I could do some damage control for him concerning ObamaCare on my humor blog for him, I said, "Of course, Mister President."
"Reach out to your millions of readers worldwide, and I'll make it worth your while."
It was by the sheerest of coincidences that soon after that conversation I received a multi-million dollar federal grant to study the effects a ton a cash has when given to an old friend of the president. My report will be available for review in five years.
I know, I know... a lot has been said about what President Obama did or didn't say concerning his Affordable Care Act. You know what I say?
The truth is you can go down the long list of variations of Obama's "If you like your health care plan, you will be able to keep your health care plan. Period." pledge to the American people, and, if you shine the light of interpretation on it at just the right angle, you'll see that he didn't actually lie.
For example, on October 7, 2008, Obama remarked during his presidential debate against John "Always-A-Bridesmaid-Never-A-Bride" McCain at Belmont University & Racetrack in Nashville, Tennessee, "Let me repeat, if you've got a health care plan that you like, you can keep it." Like dead relatives, you can "keep" your cancelled health care plan fondly in your memory.
On June 15, 2009, as the Affordable Care Act was being written, Obama, in a speech, told the American Medical Association, "That means that no matter how we reform health care..." Let me interject here. To me, that sounds like the "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, 'till death do you part" portion of your marriage vows. Tell me, how did that work out for you, buddy? Yeah, I thought so. "...we..." that's us "...will keep this promise..." Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! "...to the American people:..." that's you "If you like your doctor, you will be able to keep your doctor, period." No matter how badly ObamaCare screws up health care, rest assured, your doctor can always remain your friend. "If you like your health care plan, you'll be able to keep your health care plan, period." Sure, you'll be able to keep it in that drawer with the rest of the useless papers you hoard. "No one will take it away, no matter what." To quote ANOTHER great president, "Let me make myself perfectly clear," no one will TAKE it away.. they'll CANCEL it.
On March 3, 2010, Obama, in a White House speech calling for a vote on his bill, said, "If you like your plan, you can keep your plan." But, really... what does the word "like" even mean? The fact that YOUR definition of the word "like" doesn't match HIS definition of the word "like" is no reason to quibble. Here, have some more free government cheese. Besides, he wasn't talking to you. He was talking to Congress, and Congress has the same health care insurance, don't they? If there's one thing Congress does well, it's make sure they take care of themselves.
On September 29, 2010, in a comment he made in an event in Des Moines, Iowa, Obama said, "There's nothing in the bill that says you have to change the health insurance that you've got right now." Again, what do the words "right now" even mean? According to quantum physics, the act of looking at something or thinking about something, changes that very thing. "Right now" is such a transient concept. In fact, I would venture to say that "right now" doesn't even exist, because as soon as you try to pinpoint it, it's gone--Poof!--like a puff of smoke. So, when Obama talks about the health insurance you have "right now," that insurance is already in the past. And you don't want to live in the past, do you, my friend? Of course you don't.
Like the famous Hispanic comedian George Lopez says in one of his bits, "Not right now, right now. But later, later." He wasn't talking about ObamaCare... but he might as well have been.
On June 28, 2012, during President Obama's gloating after the Supreme Court did some legal contortions even Olympic Gold Medalist Gabby I-Can't-Remember-Her-Last-Name-And-Am-Too-Lazy-To-Look-It-Up would have been impressed by to uphold much of the Affordable Care Act, he said "If you're one of the more than 250 million Americans who already have health insurance, you will keep your health insurance."
Just where you want to keep it once it's been cancelled, is up to you.
God bless America.
The Aw, Nuts! Humor Blog