Sunday, July 30, 2017

The Week In Old Tweets

This Just In!
In a secret prison letter to Madonna, Tupac Shakur revealed why he broke up with her!
"You be old, bee-YOTCH!"
 
This Just In!
North Korea successfully tests ICBM!
North Korean Scientists now plan to aim one toward their greatest threat:
Kim Jong-un!
 
North Korea: "Our father who art in Heaven, Kim Jong-un be thy name... we WISH!"
(You see, that would mean he's dead.)
(Um, nevermind.)
 
Autopsy shows drugs in Star War's Carrie Fisher's system when she died.
Let this be a lesson, kids:
Cocaine DOES NOT make you thin.
 
China censors gay kiss in Alien Covenant because it reminds President Xi Jinping too much of his relationship with North Korea's Kim Jong-un.
 
This Just In!
Johnny Depp calls for the assassination of the president!
Too bad he doesn't call for a bath.
Pee-yew!
 
Despite his "joke" about assassinating the president, Johnny Depp clarifies he would never kill Trump.
"I'm too busy hitting women."
 
This Just In!
Jay Z helps bail out dads for Father's Day because "every man deserves a second chance to beat his wife and kids."
 
Kathy Griffin apologized for her Decapitated Trump pic, yet swears she'll double-down on her attacks because "I'm not done ruining my career."
 
"I apologize for my inappropriate photo of a decapitated President Trump," says a contrite Kathy Griffin. "I'm old and I've never been married."
 
"She's sorry for her Decapitated Trump photo," apologizes Kathy Griffin's career after noticing the backlash. "She's old and going to die alone."
 
This Just In!
Harry Styles releases new CD!
Fans and critics debate meaning of his lyrics.
"I didn't write any of these songs, you idiots," he clarifies.
 
Boy, was Superman surprised when he flew Lois Lane to the Fortress of Solitude in the Artic and discovered upon arrival that she had froze to death.
 
What killed L Ron Hubbard?
Someone asked him: "So who created Lord Xenu?"
 
Bill Clinton: "I need some Viagra."
Pharmacist: "Do you have a prescription?"
Bill Clinton: "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
 
Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak?
It was Chewie.
 
I'm not saying my ex is the dimmest bulb in the pack, but at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, she told me, "His family must be so proud."
 
There are no guarantees in life.
Just ask the dinosaurs.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

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