Friday, January 4, 2013

Pit Bull Facts

I ran across an interesting fact the other day:
     There is a pit bull attack EVERY 45 SECONDS!
     I find it interesting on two levels.
     One: That's an awful lot of pit bull attacks, my friends. And...
     Two: I just made it up.
     I find the second of these two levels interesting on two additional levels.
     One: It doesn't matter that I made it up and JUST TOLD YOU that I made it up... people will believe it anyway (in fact, I'll even get comments and messages about it). And...
     Two: I needed an opening to this column.
     While I can't say I really know how many pit bull attacks there are in any given length of time, I do know these two things:
     One: I sure am using up my share of colons this week (heh, heh... I said "colon"). And...
     Two: Pit bull attacks are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to that vicious breed of dog. Don't believe me? Here, let me prove it to you with the following facts:
     Fact: Pit bulls make up 72% of the 47% that Romney had the lack of judgement to get caught talking about in that unfortunate video clip that cost him the presidential election. In a way, I guess you can say that pit bulls were responsible for the re-election of President Obama. Whether you find that to be a good thing or a bad thing doesn't matter. What you have to admit is that it is a thing. Oh, and by the way, just who was it who released that video clip?
     Thaaat's right... a pit bull.
     Of that 72%, 43% of pit bulls are in this country illegally. Of that 43%, four out of five are on welfare or some sort of government assistance. And almost a full 100% of that four do not consider English to be their first language. I find that amazing. I also find my wallet to be emptier than usual. Maybe those pit bulls have the right idea.
     Fact: Pit bulls are overwhelmingly Democrat, and they overwhelmingly voted for Obama. They also overwhelmingly think Michael Moore makes sense in general, and sense in particular when he talks about how former President George W. Bush was behind the 9-11 terrorist attacks.
      But let's get away from politics for awhile. Have you noticed how, when you're on an airplane and there's a baby crying, that that baby always seems to belong to a pit bull?
     And when you're at the movies, it's always a pit bull who keeps talking and texting on their cell phones? But, for God's sake, don't tell them anything. They'll be waiting for you after the movie, if you get my drift.
     And one thing I really hate is how, when you're standing in line, pit bulls always let all their friends and/or relatives cut in front of me. Always. (Again, don't tell them anything when they do this, or you'll have them AND all of their friends and/or relatives waiting for you.)
     Fact: When you see the face of someone tattooed on a pit bull, that's not really a tattoo. That's the face of someone the pit bull actually ate and is trying to get out.
     Fact: A pit bull will borrow money from you, and NEVER pay you back.
     And who in their right mind takes a gun to a birthday party for a 5 year-old? Who else, but a pit bull. Not that they need a gun. Have you seen their teeth? Hopefully, you haven't.
     Fact: If you're saving food in the refrigerator for tomorrow's lunch, don't count on it being there the next day if there's a pit bull anywhere around. And when you discover it missing, just keep it to yourself. Pit bulls aren't above ripping your arm off if they think you're getting on their case.
     Fact: At dinner, if there's a last chicken leg or piece of pie, a pit bull will grab it and eat it without giving anybody else a chance or even asking if anybody else wants it.
     Fact: When you're moving, don't bother calling a pit bull for help. Pit bulls only help when it comes to killing and eating other living creatures.
     Did you noticed how, when you were in school, it was always the pit bull who would flick your ears from behind, and then say it wasn't him? In fact, the pit bull would even become downright indignant when you'd accuse him of it. Pit bulls hate to be called liars, especially when they're caught right in the middle of one.
     Fact: A pit bull loves to gamble, but is very bad at it. In fact, if pit bulls can be counted on one thing, it's this: Pit bulls lose almost all of their bets. But it doesn't matter, because pit bulls welsh on all of the bets they lose. Hey, YOU wanna try collecting from a pit bull?
     Yeah, that's what I thought.
     Fact: A pit bull always manages to beat you to the bathroom in the morning, and then takes his time coming out, even if he knows that you're waiting and have to use the bathroom... bad.
     Fact: No matter how many times you tell him, a pit bull will always forget to turn off the light when he leaves a room, and always forget to lock the door when he leaves the house.
     Fact: Pit bulls aren't short-haired dogs. They're skin-heads.
     Fact: Scientists have determined that the chief cause of natural disasters, such as hurricanes and earthquakes and tornadoes, are pit bulls.
     Fact: Who was responsible for the United States almost going over the fiscal cliff? That's right, pit bulls.
     And finally, if you come home unexpectedly from work, chances are you'll find a pit bull going through your stuff. And if he's not going through your stuff...
     ...don't be surprised to find him in bed with your wife.
     And that's a Fact!

American Chimpanzee

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