No, I sure didn't want to write anything like that.
What? You haven't heard about it? Sure you have. Chances are, you've just forgotten. El Pasoans have notoriously short memories. I know that's true, because I read it in Men's Health magazine. It was just before they declared us fat, but just after they reported us ugly. It seems that whenever we get any recognition, it's negative recognition. For example, when a toothpaste commercial refers to four out of five dentists, the fifth dentist is usually from El Paso.
In fact, a recent article by El Paso Times reporter Daniel Borunda, reported how CareerBliss.com ranks El Paso as the 6th worse city to find a job and the 7th unhappiest city to work in. What all these glorified list-makers have yet to uncover is how we El Pasoans have such forgiving natures.
Why else would we keep voting Democrat?
But let me refresh your memory about the whole sordid Sun Bowl affair. It seems that two of Southern Cal's football tweeters, freshmen Tony Burnett and Leonard Williams, were displeased with having to play in the Sun Bowl, and they expressed that displeasure on Twitter, apparently misspelling words and using poor punctuation and grammar as a way of emphasizing that displeasure. Their disappointment would have been better focused on their poor playing in general, and in William's hair in particular. I've seen his USC profile picture. Even Don King laughs at it.
Personally, I don't know why they were so disappointed. Burnett comes from Watts. Besides the poverty and crime, I think that town's main source of entertainment is standing on street corners and watching the traffic lights change. Williams comes from the more affluent Daytona Beach, where they have the added attraction of cutting apples in half and watching them turn brown. USC's head coach, Lane "The Full Monte" Kiffin hails from Lincoln, NE, where he learned everything he knows... except how to be on time for a dinner in his honor.
There's a fourth culprit in this sad tale. It seems there was a blogger who poked fun of El Paso's attractions on some website, and got death threats for her trouble. I won't tell you her name or the name of the website, but, mainly, that's just because it would require some effort on my part to find that stuff out, and, to tell the truth, I'm just too lazy to look it up. (In a related note, check out an upcoming story in Men's Health magazine: El Paso! Laziest City In America!)
All this reality-show drama got me to thinking: El Paso's just too darn nice. What has kissing everyone's posterior gotten us? Nothing, my friends. Nothing, but disrespect and ridicule. I don't know why that is. I've been to California. No matter where you're at, where you want to be is always hours away. Las Vegas? If going broke is your idea of fun, then be my guest. It wasn't so bad when things were cheap, but now they want to rob you with one hand AND overcharge you with the other. New York? No thanks, I don't think I'd enjoy having total strangers walking over my raped and murdered body.
So what do we do to change everybody's opinion of us? We do this, my friend, we use reverse psychology. The best way to make something valuable is to make it rare. A rock, in and of itself, has no value, but shine it up, price it outrageously, and--BAM!--you've just created a demand for it. The demand usually comes from individuals who are dumb as said rock, but, fortunately, there are plenty of those kinds of individuals around, especially at USC.
So let's attract outsiders to this city by telling them they are neither wanted nor welcome. This will make El Paso and the Sun Bowl shiny rocks to be desired by all those who now ignore us.
I suggest we start with the following city slogans;
El Paso! Get Out And Stay Out!
El Paso! Trespassers Will Be Shot!
El Paso! We Don't Need Your Stinkin' Money!
El Paso! You Don't Hafta Go Home, But You Can't Stay Here!
El Paso! Peligro! Entrada Prohibida!
El Paso! Don't Let The Door Hit'cha Where The Good Lord Split'cha!
El Paso! That's Right, Amigo! Just Keep On Driving!
El Paso! If We Don't Get You, The Drug Lords Will!
El Paso! Leave Your Cash, Then Get The @#*% Out Of Our Town!
El Paso! It's Not You, It's Me! (Okay, It's You!)
So, El Paso, let's all promise to do our best to do our worst. Let's bring people and businesses to this fine city by keeping them out of it.
I'll start with my ex-wives.