Monday, January 6, 2014

Nostradumbass

Duke: Welcome to the show, great Nostradumbass.
Nostradumbass: Thank you, thank you. Lisa, Mando, and especially you, Duke, my friend.
D: Why, thank you.
N: May you be trapped with a one-humped camel who likes to hump twice.
D: Thank you, er... I think.
N: Are we ready to start?
D: Yes, we're ready, oh great one. In my hand I am holding five questions. You do not know what those questions are, do you, Nostradumbass?
N: No, I do not.
D: And you have never seen these questions, have you?
N: No, I have not.
D: But somehow, with your precognitive powers, you will be able to answer these questions, won't you?
N: Yes, I will.
D: Are you ready to get started?
N: Yes, I am.
     Duke takes out the first of the questions, which is enclosed in a sealed envelope, and hands it to Nostradumbass, who takes it, places one edge gently on his turbaned head, and concentrates.
 
--pause--
 
N: The answer is... Creamed Spinach.
D: The answer is creamed spinach.
N: Yes, creamed spinach. And the question is... What do you get when you cross Popeye with PeeWee Herman?
     Duke hands Nostradumbass another question sealed in an envelope, who, once again, lays one edge gently on his head.
 
--pause--
 
N: The answer is... Rosie O'Donnell.
D: Rosie O'Donnell.
N: Yes, Rosie O'Donnell. And the question is... Name the single most effective appetite suppressant for men.
 
--pause--
 
N: The answer is... Christopher Walken.
D: Christopher Walken.
N: Yes, Christopher Walken. And the question is... What did the Reeve family never see?
D: That's a sad one.
N: Yes, very sad. Very sad.
 
--pause--
 
N: And the answer is...Dragon Lips.
D: Dragon Lips.
N: Yes, Dragon Lips. And the question is... Why did Sharon Osbourne get her vaginal rejuvenation surgery?
 
--pause--
 
N: And the final question is... Tit for tat.
D: Tit for tat.
N: Yes, tit for tat. And the question is... How did Miley Cyrus pay for her 18 tattoos?
 
--pause--
 
D: Thank you, Nostradumbass.
N: And thank you, Duke, my friend. May all your children find peace, love, and happiness. But NOT your children's children.
D: Why not my children's children?
N: Because I do not believe children should be having sex.
D: Thank you, er... I think.
 
 
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