Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Fifty Shades of Miley Cyrus

In a world where the Taliban throws acid in the faces of young girls and women to keep them from going to school or getting an education, it's refreshing to find a true hero and feminist: Miley Cyrus.
     While a press-hog like the 15-year-old Muslim schoolgirl Malala Yousafzai grabs all the headlines for having the good fortune of being shot in the head (for being an education advocate in the Muslim country of Pakistan) let's all remember, she survived what should have been a fatal gunshot. Besides, she didn't choose to be shot. In fact, given the choice, I'm sure she would have chosen not to have been shot.
     What kind of hero is that?
     Even the Nobel Prize committee, while nominating her for their Peace Prize, didn't feel she deserved to win. Instead they gave it to President Obama for... for...
     Well, I really don't know what for, but whatever it was, I'm sure he deserved it.
     Miley Cyrus' brave choices, are just that: choices. Choices that she made, not some religious fanatic from a peaceful religion. From her wearing granny panties on the MTV Video Awards to her wearing nothing but skimpy panties and nipple pasties under a completely see-through mesh dress at the iHeartRadio Music Festival in Las Vegas. She could have chosen the cowardly way out, by dressing with class and dignity, but she instead chose to indulge the masturbatory fantasies of horny boys and creepy men world-wide.
     I spoke with the president of NOW--the Natural Organization of Women and Women By-Products--and asked her, "Ms. Lingus, what do you think of Miley Cyrus being a role model for young girls?"
     "I'd say she's an almost perfect role model for girls," Connie told me, "The only thing that would make her perfect is when she finally has an abortion. Preferably twins."
     "Well, then, what do you think about Cemse Allak?"
     "Who's that?"
     "She was a pregnant 35-year-old Muslim woman in Turkey. She was stoned to death by her brother and 4 other relatives back in 2002. She remained semi-conscious for 7 months with her skull crushed, but her unborn baby died 6 weeks after the attack. It was alleged that she committed adultery, but it was more likely that she was raped. Her brother said it didn't matter either way."
     Connie grew thoughtful.
     "Since her stoning resulted in the death of her fetus," Connie finally said, "it qualifies as an abortion, and we don't have a problem with that."
     I also wanted a comment from MSNBC's Martin Bashir, but he was too busy flogging himself over his impure thoughts about Sarah Palin, so I'll just have to settle for being a poor man's Ghost of Christmas Past, and take you on a stroll down Miley Cyrus' life and career.
     She first came into the public's view when she was given the role of Hannah Montana by Disney executives at the insistence of her daddy, Billie Rae. Her father once again proving that old Hollywood adage: "It's not who you know, it's who you blow."
     In June of 2006, Miley Cyrus began dating Nick Jonas of the Jonas Brothers. That in itself should have won her the Congressional Medal of Hoohah, but what raised it to the next level was those cheesecake selfies she took of herself in the shower for him. Yeah, taking sexy pictures of yourself for a boyfriend always works out great, doesn't it?
     Meanwhile, in that same year, in the country of Turkey, 16-year-old Naile Erdas was shot to death by a group consisting of her father, mother, brother, and two uncles all because she had the bad judgement to get pregnant after being raped.
     In 2007, the world spun relatively free of Miley Cyrus scandals, but in the country of Syria, 16-year-old Zahra al-Azzo was stabbed 5 times in the head and back for lacking the foresight to not get kidnapped and raped. This punish-the-rape-victim thingie in Muslim countries sure does seem to be a recurring theme, doesn't it?
     In 2008, Miley was all over the internet and various magazines with even more sexy pictures of her underaged self. Posting selfies of her teenaged boobies, and then even posing in a suggestive position with her father in Vanity Fair magazine. Well, that shouldn't surprise you. That's what hillbillies do.
     In the same year in Iraq, two female teens were doused with boiling water and shot to death by their father, all because he suspected they were having sex. Well, as it turned out this Iraqi Sherlock Hussein was wrong. A medical examination that was conducted before they were buried showed that they were still both virgins.
     Oh, well. Mistakes happen.
     The sexy pictures of Miley Cyrus continued into 2009. There were pictures of her and her friends making fun of Asians by making Chinese eyes, but since they didn't include her boobies, they were quickly forgotten. There were pictures of her jogging without a sports bra. There were pictures of her pole dancing on the Teen Choice Awards. I never saw the video, just the pictures.
     Miley Cyrus also bravely got her first tattoo that year.
     In Pakistan of that same year, Quratul Ain, who was 26-years-old, was shot to death for eloping. Saira Bano, 19, was also shot to death by her brother. Apparently, he didn't care for the fact that she had married a non-Muslim.
     In the Muslim countries, when you say, "till death do you part," it means "till death do you part." Especially if you're a woman.
     2010 was an exciting year for Miley Cyrus. She kissed a girl in her performance in Britain's Got Talent. Perez Hilton posted an up-skirt shot of the 17-year-old, which put her in the same classy league as Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Ron Jeremy. Video surfaced of the underaged Miley grinding on an older man who turned out to be her 45-year-old The Last Song director, Aaron Shankman. She also got caught drinking beer in Spain, but that was no big deal. In Europe, they wean babies on beer.
     Toward the end of that year, some "friend" of Miley's took pictures of her smoking out of a bong, and sold them to TMZ. Besides better decisions, I would say that Miley also needs a better class of friends.
     Miley insisted that it wasn't marijuana she was smoking.
     Sure it wasn't, Miley. Sure it wasn't.
     2010 was also an exciting year for Shawbo Abdul-Razaq, 20, who was shot to death by her father for talking on the phone to someone who may or may not have been a boy. The father couldn't say for sure.
     In Libya of the same year, three girls--15, 17, and 18--had their throats slit by their father because they brought dishonor to their family by being raped by Gaddafi loyalists.
     Somehow, I get the idea that in Muslim countries that they've got it backward when it comes to who's the victim and who's the guilty party when it comes to rape.
     In November of 2011, Miley was caught in a video posted by The Daily admitting to being a stoner and smoking "way too much weed."
     2012 found pictures of her outside of a marijuana dispensary waiting for, um, a phone call? There were also waaay too many pictures of her side-boobies. From her wearing shirts cut majorly too low on the sides to professional photo shoots. In those pictures, she proved that she was almost as well-uddered as Justin Bieber.
     She also bragged to, uh, The National Enquirer? about her sex life with her boyfriend du jour Liam Hemsworth.
     "The sex is wild!" she supposedly said. "Liam fulfills all my fantasies, and I fulfill his. (We) do it everywhere! It's become a game to see who can come up with the most bizarre place."
     Sadly, the wildest place they did it didn't include the sanctity of marriage, as Liam saw the writing on his fiancĂ©e's wall, and broke off their engagement.
     While they were still together, as a symbol of that wild sex, she got Liam a penis-shaped cake for his birthday. A gift every straight man dreams of. The cake was big in the way I've heard Liam isn't, and was also chocolate. It was big and chocolate. It was BIG and CHOCOLATE.
     Miley posed for multiple provocative pictures with the cake. She posed tonguing it and licking it and sucking it and kissing it and smiling at it and generally doing the kind of things that can get you shot in the head by your father and whoever else shows up at the door in a Muslim country.
     But Miley BRAVELY conducted her sexy shenanigans here in the United States, where she knew there would be no retribution, especially from her dad, who was probably in a bathroom somewhere wearing out those Vanity Fair photographs.
     In 2012, young Miley also starred in a music video with a porno actress. Sadly, all the women in the video looked like porno actresses to me, but without the innocence.
     2012 was a rather slow year for Muslim countries. In Pakistan, Anvushah, a 15-year-old girl, was beaten and had acid poured over her face and body by her mother and father for talking to an unknown boy. I guess her parents must have split the torturing/murdering duties, with he father probably beating his daughter, and her mother in charge of helping him pour the acid on her.
     A video in 2012 also made the rounds on the internet of a girl in Afghanistan sitting alone on a hillside, wearing a gray shawl, and patiently waiting to be executed by men with guns standing around her.
     2013, the Year of Our Lord, I've already mentioned the scandal she created on the MTV Video Awards, but I didn't mention that she also twerked and jerked, and twiddled and diddled, and shimmied and shammied, and wore her grammie's jammies, all with Robin Thicke and a foam rubber finger, neither of whom I could tell apart.
     I think Robin was the one dressed as Beetlejuice.
     There wasn't much twerking and jerking going on in Egypt in 2013, when 10-year-old Jessica Boulous was shot while she was leaving her Bible Study. She was murdered for being Christian.
     And there wasn't much shimmying and shammying going on in Pakistan when a mother and her two daughters--15 and 16--were shot to death by their stepson/stepbrother and his four friends, because of a family video that showed the two young girls enjoying the rain on the lawn in the privacy of their bungalow.
     So you can see, my friends, just how brave Miley Cyrus (and other female artists of her ilk) is when she chooses to smoke a marijuana joint on TV (the European MTV video awards) in a country (Amsterdam) where smoking a marijuana joint is legal.
     Sure, she could have chosen a country where she would have been arrested. Sure, she could have chosen a country where she would have spent the rest of her life in prison. Sure, she could have chosen a country where she would have been taken to a stadium and shot in front of thousands of people just for reading a book or wanting to drive a car.
     But she didn't.
     Miley Cyrus chose to be brave.

American Chimpanzee

No comments:

Post a Comment