Friday, January 24, 2014

The Week In Tweets: Special Justin Bieber-In-Jail Edition

Tweets

An Duchene Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested! He pees in mop buckets, eggs neighbor's house, and cries when arrested. Next up: Starring role in Diary of a Wimpy Kid remake.
 
An Duchene Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested! Who was that mystery model he was with? And how big is the size of her penis?
 

An Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested! For a DUI! During the urine test a confused Bieber wonders, ''Where's the mop bucket?"
 

An Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested! During the breath test, when ordered to blow, Bieber said, ''All right, guys. Line up."
 

An Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested! Bieber looked flushed, was in a stupor, smelled of alcohol, and incoherent. Like usual.
 

An Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested! The Wolf of Wall Street: Most F-bombs in a movie. Bieber: Most F-bombs while being stupid.

 

An Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested! While jail didn't wipe the smile off his face, they had to wipe SOMETHING off his face.
 

An Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested! Blood test reveals dangerous levels of alcohol, marijuana, and FLINTSTONE VITAMINS!
 

An Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested! Spends night in jail! Voted Miss Congeniality!
 

An Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested! Spent the night in jail with thuggish black men! ''It was Heaven,'' he gushed, moistly.
 

An Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested! No, it's not true Bieber cried the whole time. He only cries when he's on his period.
 

An Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested for going 5O mph in a 3O mph zone! 5O in a 3O? Jeez, the Bieber even drag races like a girl.
 

At the Friendly Loan Company, they wanted 2 see my credit report. I thought you were supposed 2 trust your friends?
 

I went to the Easy Loan Company. They may have been easy, but they weren't promiscuous.
 

Believe It Or Nuts! Before the l9OOs, football cheerleaders were lOO% male. By lOO% male, I'm talking about their sexual preference.
 

I went to the Easy Loan Company, and, apparently, they have a different opinion about what the word ''easy'' means.
 

If you don't enjoy your own company, you're probably right.
 

Obama will now work toward ending college sexual assaults! What about MILITARY sexual assaults, Mr. President? ''Who?"
 

An Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested! For Drag Racing! Who knew the Bieber liked to dress up in women's clothes and race?
 

An Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arested! In Miami! ''This isn't California. In Florida, we ARREST celebrities who break the law."
 

An Exclusive! Justin Bieber! Arrested! I looked 4 it on TMZ, but all they had was Miami police taking away a crying little girl.
 

On this date in l9Ol, Britain's Queen Victoria died at the ripe old age of 8l. Don't worry, they saved the baby.
 

Actress Dianne Lane turns 49 today! Are her boobs big? They're so big, she once fulfilled her community service by breast-feeding Ethiopia.
 

The Exorcist actress Linda Blair turns 55 today! Are her boobs big? They're so big, one of them once rolled down a cave after Indiana Jones.
 

Believe It Or Nuts! The U.S. Supreme Court in Washington has a basketball court on the top floor. That's like buying your fish a bicycle.
 

Believe It Or Nuts! Judah Schiller crossed San Francisco Bay on a bike w/ pedal-powered floats. He's single, ladies. Don't let him get away.
 

The ''Tikker'' is a wristwatch that predicts your lifespan and then counts down to your death. I liked it so much I bought my ex-wife TWO!
 

There will be times when everything will go exactly as planned. Don't worry, it won't last.
 

On this date in l977, President Carter pardoned almost all Viet Nam draft dodgers, which opened the door 4 Bill Clinton 2 run in the 9O's.
 

U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder turns 63 today! Or is that Steadman, Oprah Winfrey's fiance? I always get them confused.
 

Here's to not being in a heavily targeted demographic.
 

I'm a practical man, and live by one simple rule: Always... I mean, NEVER stick your tongue in a toaster.
 

Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Girl gets Restraining Order.
 

How would you explain 'thirst' to a fish?
 

Dennis Rodman checks into a rehab center! ''Sorry,'' they told him, ''we can't do anything about your face."
 

If you were meant to hang on to your money, it would've come with handles.
 

Eating something before dinner never spoiled my appetite. My ex's cooking did that.
 

Financially, just when we're finally getting out of the hole... my wife digs more hole.
 

On this date in l265, England's first representative Parliament met. Their first order of business? ''Let's do something about our teeth."
 

ws alert---news alert---news alert---news alert---news alert---news alert--- news alert---news alert---news alert---news al...IT'S MONDAY!
 

On this date in l887, the U.S. approved an agreement to lease Pearl Harbor in Hawaii as a naval base. Why? ''The chicks, man! The chicks!"
 

On this date in l96l, John F. Kennedy became the 35th U.S. president! To commemorate the occassion, he had sex with 35 White House interns.
 

Comedian Bill Maher turns 58 today! Remember when he used to be funny?
 

Rocker Paul Stanley of KISS turns 62 today! He's the one who wears all that make-up.
 

Believe It Or Nuts! In Colorado, it's now LEGAL to smoke marijuana, but ILLEGAL to smoke cigarettes. Go figure!
 

When you eat healthy, you feel healthy. I just ate a donut... that's WAY better than feeling healthy.
 

Since my dad got ObamaCared, my parents have had to cut back on expenses. I completely support them... as long as it doesn't affect ME.
 

You're not too drunk if you can still lay on the floor without holding on.
 
 
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