Friday, May 18, 2018

The Week In Tweets: Special Royal Shocker Edition!

Royal Shocker!
The guest list to the Royal Wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle has officially been released and guess who's not invited?
Harry's MOTHER!
This Just In!
In a failed attempt to arm Syrian Rebels, President Obama mistakenly armed Al Qaeda instead with U.S. Military weapons and ammo!
"Hey! Did you see what President Trump just tweeted?" deflected Fake News.
 Royal Shocker!
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle ADMIT...
...they're ALREADY having SEX!
This Just In!
In Los Angeles!
Are Skyrocketing!
And It's Due To RACISM!
According to the LA Times.
"It's either that or President Trump," Fake News reports.
Why do I get the feeling the Olympic sport of Curling was invented by an Eskimo woman who wanted to get her husband to sweep out the igloo?
This Just In!
El Paso City Council Okays $274,000 Payout To City Attorney Sylvia Borunda Firth!
"What the heck. It's not OUR money," a local politician admits.
Royal Shocker!
Although they've been living together for months, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will spend the night before their wedding APART!
"I just wanted him to get used to life as a married man," the future princess explained.
This Just In!
Detroit police search for the remains of up to SEVEN murdered girls!
How do the fine ladies of N.O.W. justify their silence and disinterest?
"We see it as a very late-term abortion," they yawn, explainingly.
 This Just In!
Congo has agreed to allow the World Health Organization to use an experimental Ebola vaccine to combat an outbreak of that deadly virus.
"We finally bribed the right African officials," said the W.H.O. director-general.
Please Help...
For the price of one cup of coffee a day, you can buy one of the lesser fortunates once cup of coffee a day.
--The Starbucks Foundation
This Just In!
Detroit police search for the remains of up to SEVEN murdered girls!
"How can we blame this on President Trump?" Fake News wonders.
 Royal Shocker!
With her father unable to attend the Royal Wedding due to health issues, who will walk Prince Harry's future princess Meghan Markle down the aisle? None other than...
Macho Man Randy Savage!
Royal Shocker!
Turned away at the airport, Kim Kardashian, JayZ, Beyoncé, and Jared from Subway demand to know, "Why weren't we invited to the Royal Wedding?
"Because we're not white trash," Queen Elizabeth dryly explained.
A lot happened this week, but most of it was not my fault.
American Chimpanzee

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