The doctor said my tumor was the size of a pear, just not as tasty.
For Halloween, I bought TEN bags of candy.
The trick-or-treaters can fend for themselves.
He's a terrible soldier but a heckuva nice guy. I don't have the heart to give him a dishonorable discharge, so send him to the front line.
Did you hear about the new Divorcee Barbie?
You wind her up, and she leaves with half your stuff.
To be old and wise, you first have to be young and dumb.
I'd say most of you have got this covered.
Janet Jackson says she'd GLADLY perform with Justin Timberlake at the Super Bowl if he were to ask.
Don't beg, Janet.
It's beneath you.
"Honey, I have a confession to make: I'm a werewolf."
"Thank goodness! I thought you were having an affair."
Next Halloween, the sequel to IT will feature a female Pennywise.
"When you go into the sewer, you're going to SHE-IT!"
For Halloween, I'm going as your worse nightmare: The one person who knows your whole life is a complete lie.
The only thing better than candy is FREE candy.
My Halloween date cost me an arm and a leg.
Take it from me, kids... NEVER date a zombie.
This Just In!
"Filthy, Disgusting President Trump's Approval Ratings At Lowest Point Yet!" reports your typical news source.
Trick or treat... OR ELSE!
Okay, everybody, you can take your masks off now.
What do you mean you're not wearing a mask?
You're now one day closer to the end of your life.