Eaten By What?

I hadn't seen my buddy Maloney for a while.

     I retired earlier this year, and he had retired a few years before that, so it was a surprise to run into him and his wife at the mall. So far, we've just kept in touch by sending each other insulting texts. 

     "My father died," he told me. 

     I was sorry to hear that. His father was a good guy. I remember running into him at a delicatessen. He was walking out as I was walking in, and he gave me the half of his sandwich he hadn't eaten. Saved me the price of lunch. 

     These are meaty sandwiches, so half is enough, but before you think I just randomly eat the leftovers of others, the deli thoughtfully cuts them in two, so I'm not getting something someone else has already bitten into. 

     You might be amused by the name of the sandwich shop. It's called Hello Deli. I was so amused by the name that I came up with the following song parody for it: 

HELLO, DELI!

to the tune of Hello Dolly

(Louis Armstrong version)

Hello, Deli!

What’s on sale, Deli?

At that price I’ll add a slice of provolone

It sure looks good, Deli

As it should, Deli

Smoker’s smokin’, I’m not jokin’, ham off the fokin’ bone

The smells are enticin’

Slicer’s thin slicin’

You’ve got Reubens, BLTs, and Smoked Turkey Clubs

And it’s all fresh, Deli

Your meatballs are the best, Deli

Deli'll never skimp on Meatball Subs

(trumpet solo) 

The smells are enticin’

Slicer’s thin slicin’

You’ve got Reubens, BLTs, and Smoked Turkey Clubs

Add some brie, Deli

Buy two, get one free, Deli

Deli'll never skimp on Meat

Deli'll never skimp on Meat

Deli'll never skimp on Meatball Subs!

  

      I thought the owners might use it and spring for a radio spot, but I thought wrong. 

     Anyway... 

     "My father wanted to be buried in a new suit," my old friend said (and I'm condensing the conversation into this one paragraph), "something he hadn't been seen in before, so my wife and I came here to buy him a nice one. We told the saleslady what we needed, what we needed it for, and she was very helpful. 'How about this one?' she said. I looked at the price tag. It was kind of steep. The saleslady must have seen it on my face, so she tried to encourage the sale by saying, 'And aren't you a lucky one? This suit comes with two pairs of pants.'"

     Maloney paused, then added with just the right touch of vaudeville timing, "What's my father going to need with two pairs of pants?" 

     My wife and I went to the funeral to pay our respects, and we took our granddaughter. I asked my father if he wanted to come along. 

     "Did I know him?" he asked. 

     "No."

     "Was I related to him?"

     "No." 

     "Then what do you think?" 

     He had a point, I guess.

     As we passed the headstones, my granddaughter asked me how to pronounce the names she didn't recognize. 

     "What's that one?" she said. 

     "Tilson," I answered.

     "How about that one?"

     "Denofre."

     "And that one?" 

     I hesitated. 

     "Butts," I read.

     We both giggled like naughty first graders over that one. 

     After my wife appropriately gave us the stink eye, we continued with our little game. 

     "How about that one?"

     "Wenzel."

     "And that one?"

     "Tierney."

     "How about that one?"

     "Eaton."

     "Really?" my granddaughter exclaimed, acting horrified. "By what?" 

     She gets her sense of humor from me.

     At the end of the services, Maloney and his wife came up to us and thanked us for coming to his father's funeral.

     I couldn't help but notice the color of his pants matched the color of his father's new suit.