The Ten Essential Items You Need On A Hike
1) Porn--Because you never know how long you'll be away from your wife.
2) Cigarettes--It'll give you something to do while you're busy doing nothing.
3) Drugs--If you're going to die, you might as well enjoy yourself.
4) Booze--It's important to stay hydrated. And drunk.
5) A Whistle--To annoy as many animals in the wilderness as you possibly can.
6) A Compass--When you die, at least you'll know where North is.
7) Duct Tape--Duct tape is a multi-purpose tool. With it, you can set a broken limb or bind the wrists, feet, and mouth of your hostage.
8) Water--In case there's an al-Quida terrorist you need to torture so he'll tell you where Osama bin Laden is.*
9) Rope--Rope is the perfect hiking essential for when you finally decide to put yourself out of your misery.
10) A Mirror--For Men: To signal any passing airplanes or helicopters that may fly over. For Women: To check your make-up in case your rescuer is cute.
*What? You say Osama bin Laden was killed by Seal Team Six? Sure he was. And the NSA doesn't listen in on your private phone calls either.