Carlos Danger was the name I was using on OKCupid, but Anthony Weiner forced me to change it when he started using it for his own allegedly perverted purposes.
Now that The Weiner is in the news again, showing America how NOT to learn from your mistakes, I've received thousands (Well, it's definitely in the hundreds... unless it's in the tens... um, how 'bout we just keep it in single digits just to be safe? Okay, it was just me.) of requests to reprint
The Good, The Bad, and The Weiner
originally posted on 6-6-11
originally posted on 6-6-11
The press conference was brutal.
It was harder than Bill Clinton at the Miss Arkansas Pageant. Why Congressman Anthony Weiner, the man in line to become New York's next mayor, would willingly show up to a press conference addressing his Weinergate scandal is beyond me. (I add the "gate," not because of the severity of his action, but because of the ineptitude of his denial.) He was advised not to, but decided to override his closest and wisest political advisers because "I'm stupid." However, if there's one thing he's learned it's to never underestimate the short memories of the American voter.
While Rep. Weiner (D) wanted to address the important issues of the day at the press conference, such as who's going to replace Steve Carell on The Office or if there will be a Hangover III, the press only wanted to ask him about whether or not he sent a photo of his junk to a 21 year-old female college student.
Weiner wouldn't bite.
"Dana," he said, replying to a question from Dana Bash, CNN Senior Congressional Correspondent, "if I was giving a speech to 45,000 people and someone in the back of the room threw a pie or yelled out an insult, would I spend the next two hours responding to that?"
That opened up a whole new line of questioning concerning national security.
Bash: Who threw the pie?
Weiner: I'd rather not speculate on who may or may not have thrown the pie.
Unidentified Man: What kind of pie was it, sir? Was it coconut cream?
Weiner: Nice try, but I am not going to let myself be distracted by answering that. We have far more important issues to talk about. Will our economy improve? Will the price of gasoline go down? Will Charlie Sheen ever return to Two And A Half Men?
Bash: Did you throw the pie, Congressman? Is that why you won't answer the question?
Weiner: While I am almost positive that I didn't throw the pie, I cannot be 100% certain that it wasn't me. Therefore, I am not going to answer until all the facts are in.
Unidentified Man: Why won't you just tell us what kind of pie it was?
Weiner: Because I'm not going to let what I see as a good-natured prank from a mischievous scamp keep me from doing the job I was hired to do. A job that includes taxing, spending, and borrowing money from China. But, trust me, I am taking this very seriously. While I may not have contacted any of Capital Hill's law enforcement agencies, I have contacted Betty Crocker.
Days later, at another hastily called press conference, the dirty, dirty man finally came clean. He broke down and tearfully confessed that the pie in question was banana cream with nuts. His wife was conspicuously absent from his side. She had just stepped out for a pack of cigarettes with the former Mrs. Jim McGreevey.
When he was done with his mea culpa he paused for a moment, wiped a tear away with the back of his hand, bravely faced the men and women gathered in front of him like a pack of rabid jackals, and spoke to them on a personal level. He asked them to look into their hearts and answer him honestly.
"Do you think Eliot Spitzer needs a co-host?"
El Paso! A Horny Politician-Free Zone!