Sunday, August 12, 2018

The Week In Tweets: Special J.Lo Still Single Edition!

It's so windy I saw a chicken lay the same egg twice!
 
I'm not saying my ex is ugly, but when she has a bad-hair day... the hair is on her face!
 
My ex is like an open book... with most of the pages missing.
  
When Rush Limbo tell me how safe nuclear power plants are, I like to remind him, "Yeah, the plants are safe, but what about the people?"
 
Fake News Reports!
In her interview with Jeanine Piro on The View, Whoopi Goldberg vehemently DENIES suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome by becoming vehementally deranged!
 
I'm not saying my ex overdoes things, but who wood-fires a Pop-Tart?
 
Fake News Reports!
What the fudge, Trump?
With all this Russia nonsense, drop the bomb already.
On Hollywood!
 
I'm FOR what works.
I'm AGAINST what doesn't work.
When did the Politically Correct declare THAT a crime against humanity?
 
That cloud looks like a dog.
That cloud looks like a pony.
And that cloud looks like--THUNDER!--trouble.
 
Fake News Reports!
Tom Arnold Says President Trump "is obviously a racist" who "doesn't like black guys."
That would mean more if I knew who Tom Arnold was.
 
I just found out my ex is mad at me and swears she'll never speak to me again.
Who says God doesn't answer prayers?
 
Fake News Reports!
As your elected official, I won't be satisfied until I've dotted every "i", crossed every "t", and double-crossed every voter.
 
In a time of drone attacks, guided missiles, and self-driving vehicles... nothing will ever replace our soldiers.
SOMEBODY has to clean up the mess.
 
For me, reading a book is like eating a big meal...
It makes me sleepy.
 
It says what it says, and what it says it says.
 
What's wrong with the government?
I'll TELL you what's wrong with the government...
It doesn't do enough for ME!
 
I can't afford another mid-life crisis.
 
When I married my ex, I thought my ship had come in.
Who knew it would be the Titanic?
 
Fake News Reports!
Guatemala First Lady visits illegal alien children from her country housed at Texas CBP facility to make sure the U.S. is properly taking care of them.
Did she take any back home with her?
"Heck, no! We don't want them either!"
 
Fake News Reports!
After recent escapes in various facilities holding the separated children of illegal aliens, the CBP is eliminating certain outdoor sporting activities, such as team pole vaulting.
 
Good Results: This Way >
Bad Results: < That Way
Can't decide?
Take your time.
 
When life hands you lemons...
Re-gift it.
 
What do I say about our politicians acting like children?
I say, "Nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah!"
 
Fake News Reports!
In explaining President Trump's presidential upset over Hillary Clinton, LeBron James--the Freddy Corleone of the NBA--said, "I don't think a lot of people was educated."
Like him was, I suppose.
 
What disappears every time you make a U-turn?
A parking space.
 
Fake News Reports!
Lance Bass Has Brady Bunch House SNATCHED From Him In Real Estate Bidding War!
"That's the first time I've ever had anything to do with a snatch," the former NSYNC singer says.
 
My ex built a robot, and then gave it Artificial Intelligence.
Now even it wants nothing to do with her.
 
Fake News Reports!
Jennifer Lopez Says She DOESNT Want To Marry Alex Rodriguez!
"I don't want to jinx our relationship," she explains. "Plus, he changes the subject every time I bring it up."
 
 
American Chimpanzee
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@JimDuchene
 


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