Sunday, October 29, 2017

I'm Not Harvey Weinstein

I'd like to thank Harvey Weinstein, because, next to him, I'm looking like a prince.
     Just yesterday I called in to where I work and asked for the day off. When my boss told me to give him"one good reason I should give you the day off," I said, "Um... I'm not Harvey Weinstein?"
     He thought about that.
     "No, I guess you're not," he replied. "Okay, take the day off."
     "With pay?"
     "With pay."
     Wow, what a break!
     I wondered what else not being Harvey Weinstein would score for me, so I walked into a nearby bank, and asked for some cold, hard cash.
     "Sir," the vice-president informed me, "we're not in the business of just handing out money to anyone who comes in off the street and asks for it."
     "But you don't understand," I told him, "I'm not Harvey Weinstein."
     "Well," he said, "since you put it that way."
     He handed me a big, white bag with a dollar sign printed on the side of it. I felt like that Mr. Moneybags character from the board game Monopoly.
     "Here," he insisted, "take as much as you want."
     "Gee, thanks."
     I took ALL of it.
    That was so cool.
     It was late afternoon now, and I was getting pretty hungry, so I stopped at El Paso's world famous Chico's Tacos and ordered two double-orders of rolled tacos (with extra cheese), a cheeseburger (with extra cheese), a side of cheesy fries (hold the cheese), and, of course, a diet soda because I'm watching my weight. Before the cashier could ring it all up, I informed her, "You probably haven't notice, but I'm not Harvey Weinstein."
     It worked.
     Who says there's no such thing as a free lunch?
     This not being Harvey Weinstein is a great scam.
     When I got home, I was feeling pretty frisky.
     "Hi, sweetie," I told my wife, wrapping my arms around her waist and kissing the side of her neck. "You look very beautiful tonight."
     "I've got a headache," she said, flatly.
     "But I'm not Harvey Weinstein!"
     "And don't you forget it!" she said, slapping me upside the head.
     Oh, well... it was worth a shot.
American Chimpanzee

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