Just yesterday I called in to where I work and asked for the day off. When my boss told me to give him"one good reason I should give you the day off," I said, "Um... I'm not Harvey Weinstein?"
He thought about that.
"No, I guess you're not," he replied. "Okay, take the day off."
Wow, what a break!
I wondered what else not being Harvey Weinstein would score for me, so I walked into a nearby bank, and asked for some cold, hard cash.
"Sir," the vice-president informed me, "we're not in the business of just handing out money to anyone who comes in off the street and asks for it."
"But you don't understand," I told him, "I'm not Harvey Weinstein."
"Well," he said, "since you put it that way."
He handed me a big, white bag with a dollar sign printed on the side of it. I felt like that Mr. Moneybags character from the board game Monopoly.
"Here," he insisted, "take as much as you want."
I took ALL of it.
That was so cool.
It was late afternoon now, and I was getting pretty hungry, so I stopped at El Paso's world famous Chico's Tacos and ordered two double-orders of rolled tacos (with extra cheese), a cheeseburger (with extra cheese), a side of cheesy fries (hold the cheese), and, of course, a diet soda because I'm watching my weight. Before the cashier could ring it all up, I informed her, "You probably haven't notice, but I'm not Harvey Weinstein."
Who says there's no such thing as a free lunch?
This not being Harvey Weinstein is a great scam.
When I got home, I was feeling pretty frisky.
"Hi, sweetie," I told my wife, wrapping my arms around her waist and kissing the side of her neck. "You look very beautiful tonight."
"I've got a headache," she said, flatly.
"But I'm not Harvey Weinstein!"
"And don't you forget it!" she said, slapping me upside the head.
Oh, well... it was worth a shot.