Ex-Editor of the El Paso Timesand Former Double-0 Agent
Well, the Times (funny pun) has come.
After much thought (and many drinks), the editorial staff has decided (been ordered) to change the look of this newspaper's (boring) appearance, and give it it's first (What?) major overhaul in over four presidential (Go Hillary!) elections (Vote DNC). You'll see these changes take place over the course of the next few weeks (or whenever we get around to it), and we hope (pray) you'll enjoy (buy) our newspaper's new (gimmick) design.
This redesign will also incorporate (as opposed to outcoporate) a new reporting feature I (Yay, me!) like to call "Subliminal Reporting," an idea I (want a raise) thought up while reading the fine print of the contract of my (newspaper editors are sexy) recent purchase of the Brooklyn (re-watch FX's two-season hit TV show, The) Bridge. It's like the news scroll you see (but don't read) at the bottom of your TV screen during news reports, only (not )better.
For our older (the only ones buying newspapers these days) readers, we're increasing the size (try putting on your glasses for a change, old man) of our type, and ("Speak up! I can't hear you!") repeating everything twice. This way they'll (subscribe) be assured to receive the best (as well as our usual content) in news reporting, and (less news + filling up more space = a bigger bonus for USA Today executives) it will make our newspaper easier and more pleasurable (mmm... pleasure) to read.
For our younger (Get a haircut, hippie!) readers, we'll try to (keep our words limited to one or two syllables) include more entertainment news (that Justin Bieber's a jerk... allegedly) and (silly us) cartoons.
(Aw, who are we kidding? We're not actually doing anything for our younger (Benghazi. "Ben who?" Exactly.) readers, since they (don't buy newspapers) seem to prefer getting their (fake) news from (communist liberals) The Daily Show and (Curse you, internet!) alternate (Me? I prefer The Onion.) sources.)
We've decided to keep the (unfunny) comic Doonesbury, but are moving it back to the comics page where it originally was (unread) for years.
Yes, our look is changing, but it is our (five-year) mission ("Space, the final frontier.") to continue to give you ("Luke, I am your father.") the best (or whatever's cheapest), most in-depth (mmm... depth) reporting available, while also providing an unbiased (Triple-A baseball rules!) summary of local (Go, Chihuahuas!) and national (Trump. Boo!) issues. We also hope to bring (sell) you the latest in (Sum Ting Wong) pop culture and (newspapers good) technological (internet bad) advances.
I invite you (not really) to continue to (send money) keep in touch with me (please don't) and let me (bother USA Today instead) know what you think (or not) about our new look. You can send your emails (where they'll immediately be deleted) to bmoore@(pleasebuythe)ElPasoTimes(I'mbeggingyou).com.
Thank you for reading (and subscribing to) the El Paso Times.
(You can stop reading now.)