Sunday, December 10, 2017

The Week In FIRED Tweets!

What's the most important thing to take with you when camping in the wilderness?
Your credit card.
For when you decide to rent a room instead.
This Just In!
Charles Manson!
After spending almost FIFTY years on Death row!
What did he die of?
This Just In!
Charles Manson!
"Remind me," asks a perplexed President Trump, "which season of Celebrity Apprentice was he on?"
This Just In!
Scientists determine alcohol causes cancer!
Let's face it, EVERYTHING causes cancer. 
This Just In!
Mourning the death of his one true love, a brokenhearted David Cassidy follows Charles Manson to the great hippy commune in the sky.
"Smile in the mirror. Do that every morning and you'll start to see a big difference in your life," advises Yoko Ono. "Oh, and marry a millionaire."
Why Black Friday?
Because White Friday is racist.
This Just In!
The White House confirms President Trump WON'T campaign for Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore!
"Great!" exclaims a jubilant Moore. "Now I'm GUARANTEED to win!"
This Just In!
El Paso city government will return to a five-day work week!
"I guess I'll have to change my Fridays doing nothing back to spending my Fridays at work doing nothing," says one disgruntled employee.
This Just In!
North Korea launches ICBM!
Ending two-month lull in testing!
Why don't you feed your starving citizens instead?
"Why don't you mind your own business?" answers the well-fed Kim Jong-un.
This Just In!
Chicago, Illinois House Democrat U.S. Rep Luis Gutierrez WON'T run for 14th term!
"And it has nothing to do with any possible future allegations concerning sexual improprieties for which I'll apologize in advance."
This Just In!
Officials speculate gunman killed in Reno, Nevada high-rise may have had mental problems!
Duh! You think so?
This Just In!
NBC's Matt Lauer!
"I'm heartbroken for Matt. He is a dear, dear friend and my partner, and he is beloved by many, many people here," commented Savannah Guthrie. "Well... except for the women he raped, that is."
This Just In!
Minnesota Public Radio FIRES A Prairie Home Companion's host Garrison Keillor for sexual impropriety!
"How else is an ugly guy like me supposed to get laid?"
This Just In!
President Trump vows new North Korea sanctions over Kim Jong-un's provocative ICBM missile test.
"First, we'll take away his Twinkies," a spokesman commented, "and we'll see how it goes from there."
This Just In!
Government working hard to once again overhaul tax code!
Why is it the more politicians "fix" things the worse they get?
This Just In!
Singer Pink is raising her children to be "gender neutral"!
"I'm just trying to screw up my kids as much as humanly possible."
Modern Problems: "Where's my phone?"
Pre-Historic Problems: "Where's my leg? Oh, a saber tooth tiger is eating it."
This Just In!
A fired Matt Lauer "decides" to "retire" and spend more time with his family.
You know, the wife and kids he ignored while he was busy raping women.
Good friends are important.
Who else are you going to borrow money from?
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
Considering I could live another 60 to 70 years, I'd better go back to bed and get some sleep.
American Chimpanzee

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