American Chimpanzee

You know what's scarier than Halloween?       Dating.       But do you know what's scarier than dating?       Dating when you're older.      My father is a widowed pre-Alzheimer's diagnosed geriatric, so this column is about: The Top Ten Things My Father Would Do Before A Date 10. Take a nap. 9. Wash off the fishy smell of Preparation H. 8. Try to remember who he's taking out. 7. Massage his prostate to ease the swelling. 6. Massage his prostate because it feels good. 5. Shave back, comb eyebrows, trim nostrils, and pluck the hair growing out of his ears. 4. Do stretching exercises so he won't pull a muscle later just in case he... well... you know. 3. Don't forget his Gas-X. 2. Apply acne medication... ON HIS ASS! And the number one thing he'd do before a date is: 1. On his way to pick her up, stop somewhere to take a dump.      So you know what's scarier than Halloween?       ...

I don't know what it is about newspapers, but they must think their readers have unlimited time and money to cook the recipes they feature in their pages. Most of us, we have jobs. We don't want to come home and spend hours fixing something that can easily be bought at Sam's or Costco or the corner gas station. Not to mention the cleanup afterward. Also, if I fill my refrigerator with food, where am I supposed to keep my beer? The recipes always seem to require an excessive number of ingredients that you probably don't have and will never use again. When Jesus fed the multitudes, He wisely kept it down to two items: fish and bread. It just seems to me newspapers should acknowledge we live in a different world now. There's no longer enough hours in the day for us to prepare these extravagant meals. Like my price point when I buy things, five or less should be the only numbers required. Recently, my local newspaper printed something by The Culinary Institute of Americ...

I can't believe it took me so long to hear about this 8th Wonder of the World, but in the year 2000 a wonderful discovery took place.       The discovery of The Fukang Meteorite!       Found in Fukang, China by a Fukang hiker who initially mistook it for a duck, a  Fukang  duck, the Fukang Meteorite is a remarkable pallasite believed to be approximately 4.5  billion  years old. That's a lot of Fukang years. These kind of cosmic estimations always confuse me. If everything began at the Big Bang when God told Rosie O’Donnell, “Can you move to the side, you’re blocking the light," then shouldn't  everything  be the same years old?       But I digress...      The Fukang meteorite is not just beautiful to look at with its olivine crystals, but also offers Fukang scientists a unique Fukang window into the early days of our solar system, which apparently consisted of rocks floating aro...