American Chimpanzee

Your Halloween Horrorscope hello you are one day closer to death Happy Birthday!   If you were born on this date, you can look forward to a long life full of happiness and prosperity. Just as long as you don’t listen to those voices in your head telling you to kill.     Also Born On This Date   Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy, Jodi Arias, Ariel Castro,  al-Qaida     Aries (March 21-April 19)   What’s that mole on your skin?  Hmmm… it looks like cancer.   Taurus (April 20-May 20)     When you go to sleep, be sure to close your closet door all the way .   Gemini (May 21-June 20)   What’s sharper? A straight razor or a surgeon’s scalpel?  Don’t know?  Don't worry about it… you’re about to find out.     Cancer (June 21-July22)   Isn’t it ironic that your astrological sign is also cancerous?   Leo (July 23-August 22)   Are you the kind of person who thinks it would be fun to have your thr...

My Halloween Tweets The doctor said my tumor was the size of a pear, just not as tasty. ************************* For Halloween, I bought TEN bags of candy.  For myself.  The trick-or-treaters can fend for themselves. ************************* He's a terrible soldier but a heckuva nice guy. I don't have the heart to give him a dishonorable discharge, so send him to the front line.   ************************* Did you hear about the new Divorcee Barbie?  You wind her up, and she leaves with half your stuff.   ************************* To be old and wise, you first have to be young and dumb.  I'd say most of you have got this covered.   ************************* Janet Jackson says she'd GLADLY perform with Justin Timberlake again at the Super Bowl if they were to ask.  Don't beg, Janet.  It's beneath you.   ************************* "Honey, I have a confession to make. I'm a werewolf."  "Thank goodness! I thought yo...

Barackula   As we make our way into the mid-term elections, I can't help but remember something unexplainable that happened to me on Halloween Eve of 2008.      On that night, I saw the scariest movie I've ever seen. No, I'm not talking about my old wedding videos. It was something way scarier than that. Even scarier than the Kardashians without make-up.      It was close to midnight. I was walking by myself in the Downtown section of the city I was born and raised in. Heading nowhere in particular,  I found myself by the old movie theater where I used to watch horror double-features for thirty-five cents when I was a kid. Years later, it became an adult theater and began showing movies that were horrifying in a different way altogether. Eventually, the theater went out of business. Authorities chained the two front doors shut and put up a sign that told...

(When I wrote this back in 2014, these were the politicians in power, so, of course, these were the politicians I made fun of. From Bush to Trump I've followed that great tradition, with Biden somehow getting a pass. I guess I just wasn't in the mood. ) Halloweenies Well, another Halloween is just around the corner, and, while I know that it's not everyone's cup of water turned into wine, I can certainly understand why it's the perfect holiday for politicians. It's the one night a year where you can go around from house to house, with your hand out, and demand goodies under threat of retribution. But what I like best about Halloween in El Paso is you never know who's going to show up at your front door. Ding dong!  "Trick or treat!" Last year, my first little trick-or-treater of the night was none other than Barack Obama. He was dressed as the President of the United States of America. He promptly emptied the bowl of candy I offered, as well as my ...

The Tell-Tale Trump by Stephen King as told to Jim Duchene You're right, you're right. I'm nervous. Dreadfully nervous. But crazy? I only wish I were. You see, I've always found Donald Trump entertaining, in a monkey playing the accordion kind of way, but I never thought he'd be president. Then he stole the election, the only known instance of that ever happening. I could live with that. I bore him no ill will. It was only four years, after all. How much damage could he do? But his tweets! They drove me nuts! No, not nuts. Not nuts. I'm not nuts. I swear I'm not. Soon, you might say, I became obsessed with Trump and his hellish tweets. Obsessed isn't the same as insane, is it? Of course not. Every time I picked up my smart phone I'd scurry to Twitter to read the latest verbal monstrosities from not-my-President Trump. Idiotic ramblings. Lies. Misinformation. There was no horror I have ever created as a writer that was more terrifying than this lying ...

Once upon a time... It was Goldman who gave me the bad news. "She's dying," he said, speaking words that could get him hung for treason. He was the Queen of England's official biographer, and an old friend of mine. I shook my head wistfully. It was hard to believe that my one true love has sat on the throne for 65 years, which, coincidentally enough, is the same amount of time she's been Queen. I guess I should begin at the beginning. At the beginning of World War Two, when she was still a princess in her teens, I was hired to clean out the royal stables. Back then, her two favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting me. She knew my name, but never called me by it, and nothing gave her as much pleasure as ordering me around. "Stable-boy, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning." "As you wish." "As you wish," was all I ever said to her. "Stable-boy, clean the stables." "Sta...

Back in the day, writers used to be paid by the word, that's why our classics are so looong. And, in addition to that, what else was there to do? You could spend six hours enjoying an opera, and not feel it's gone on five hours too long, much like the fans at a baseball game. You can't tell me Edgar Allan Poe's classic poem The Raven doesn't ramble far longer than it should. I don't know what seems longer, reading The Raven or suffering through one of my mother-in-law's visits. At any rate, that's why I rewrote it for today's audience. An audience whose time and attention span is limited. The Raven Once upon a midnight dreary, My eyes bloodshot, my vision bleary, Something knock-knock-knocked at my chamber door. Feeling, I, a wee bit drunky, Hadn't bathed, smelling funky, So whomever was there I decided to ignore. Yet there it waited, a stately raven, An ebony bird in search of haven, Thus it continued knocking, and then knocked some more. "...

The Great Pumpkin's Lament Linus was heartbroken. He had waited the entire night in his pumpkin patch, but the Great Pumpkin never showed up. All because Linus had, in a moment of weakness, shown doubt that the Great Pumpkin would appear to him that Halloween Eve. "Good grief!" he cried out, when he realized his mistake. "I said 'if''. I meant, ' when ' he comes." But it was too late. He was doomed. One little slip like that could cause the Great Pumpkin to pass you by, and it appeared that was exactly what had happened. "Oh, Great Pumpkin," Linus cried out into the darkness, "where  are  you?" Wait a minute... You don't know who the Great Pumpkin is? Well... On Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin rises out of his pumpkin patch and flies through the air with his bag of toys for all the children. However, he visits only the pumpkin patches of the little children who believe in him and rewards those very same little girls...

Trick Or Treating In El Paso Trick or treating in El Paso is always a lot of fun, and I look forward to doing it again this year, but consider this a friendly warning, folks: If you want candy, plenty of candy, and I'm talking about the good stuff... DON'T go to the homes of any of our local politicians. Last year, I had the great idea that surely they would have the best candies.  Genius,  I thought.  Can't miss.  So, when my kid's candy bags were almost full, we all hopped into my car. First stop was the Mayor's house. My kids screamed when his door creaked open. "Oh, my gosh!" I yelled out, excitedly. "It's the Crypt Keeper...  with a guitar! " "I'm not the Crypt Keeper. I'm Mayor John Cook." "What a great costume." "I'm not wearing a costume," he said, dryly. And then he perked up. "Want to hear a song?" "No, thanks," I told him. "You've already scared my kids enough f...

Dog Day Halloween Charlie and Buster were digging in the backyard when they found an old metal box. "Maybe there's money inside." "Yeah, it could be worth its weight in Puppy Chow." They both laughed at Buster's bad joke. When they forced the rusted box open they were disappointed. It was only a book. Someone's diary. Ruffling forward through the pages, they began to read parts of it out loud. January 1, 2014: Former El Paso Mayor John Cook's new law has been in effect for three years now. The one prohibiting the sale of dogs less than a year old within the city limits. It was a shame that, until then, dogs could be bought and sold like, well, animals. Hurray! Hurray for Mayor Cook! The two friends looked at each other. "Can you believe this?" Charlie asked. Buster just shook his head. June 27, 2015: The last of the pet stores went out of business today. Those poor employees. Losing their jobs. Especially in this bad economy. But that's...

Fear The Fish As a faux member of the Advisory Committee reporting to the FDA, I felt it was my duty to inform them that, while genetically engineered salmon  appears  to be safe, more testing would be needed before I, in good conscience, could approve it. "When you're dealing with the public's safety it's better to err on the side of caution. Do the math," I insisted, "do the math." AquaBounty Technologies, Inc., the developer of the would-be country's first genetically engineered food animal, made it clear to me that they were "unpleased" with my stipulation, and offered to give me a personal tour of their facilities. When I hesitated, they also made it clear to me that I did not have a choice. I must admit, I was very impressed with what I saw when I got there. The whole farm looked very clean and state-of-the-art. "See that," my guide pointed to a randomly selected room. "We even have computers." "And who's ...

Is Your House Haunted? From the disembodied head floating in your living room to the one night stand who doesn't want to leave, these may all be signs that your house is haunted. I've never seen a more paranormal infestation than the time Rebecca G. called me to see what I could do about some random guy she made the drunken mistake of bringing home one Friday night. He spent the night, didn't leave all of Saturday, and slept on the couch when he discovered Ms. G. was only easy after throwing back a few  Jose Cuervos  on a dare. By Sunday, he was quite comfortable making his own breakfast, and she felt compelled to call me in a panic, quite rightly believing he would  never  vacate the premises. She was right. Guys such as him are supernatural leeches. Like a cat, they never leave once they've been fed. So I called a priest, not to conduct an exorcism, but to perform a marriage ceremony. That guy couldn't find the exit door fast enough. Who Am I? My name is Louis Cyp...