American Chimpanzee

I got home from work the other night and saw my little girl watching the holiday classic  Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.  This was two days  before  Thanksgiving! I grimaced. I'm not saying that particular Christmas special is bad (which it is), I'm just saying the only thing worse was listening to Miley Cyrus sing Nirvana's  Smells Like Teen Spirit.  And the only thing worse than that is watching her dance to it. Don't believe me? Check it out for yourself on YouTube. Anyway... I sat down and watched it with her. Why? Because that's what Dads who love their little girls do. As my mind wandered and my eyes glazed over, I was reminded of a time, not so long ago, I met a brave little pig. Traveling, I stopped at a farm because I had heard farmers tend to have attractive daughters with liberal ideas about hospitality, but, instead of a daughter, this farmer had a pig. The pig was missing three of its legs, one of its two eyes, both ears, its tail, and part o...

Well, I did it.  I was able to get my hands on the hottest Christmas toy  du jour  of the season. The stores were sold out. It wasn't available online. My neighbors have the selfish habit of locking their doors.  So how did I do it? Let's just say, who needs  two  kidneys?  Just ask comedian George Lopez's ex-wife, who was generous enough to lovingly give her husband one of hers just before he dumped her. I don't blame George for divorcing her. Who wants to be married to a woman with only one kidney?  But I digress... The toy in question wasn't Sesame Street's new Tickle-My-Tonsils Elmo doll, that would be in poor taste. No, it  was The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo doll, with removable piercings and changeable tattoos. Eyebrows were optional.  Christmas is that special time of the year where you pretend to love the gifts you were given. Now that it's just around the corner, I'm relaxing, drinking a little spiked eggnog, and thinking back ...

  Christmas In El Chuco 'Twas the night before Christmas, Right here in  El Chuco , I was drinking outside, Talking chisme  with Tuco. My black socks were hung Like Christmas stockings, you see, My wife, she has four kids. Myself, I have three. When what to our watering eyes Should appear, It was  Papá Noel , With a sleigh full of beer. He brought Tecate, Coors Light, And even Budweiser. And then, for much later, Some Viagra from Pfizer. His eyes, how they twinkled Behind wire-framed glasses. He was here to bring beer To the beer-drinking masses. "Ay,  loco ," I told him. "Come join us, my friend." But he had just gotten started, And must get started again. As he started to leave, He gave a high-five. "Merry Christmas to all, And don't drink and drive!"    

Life is always an adventure with my father.  An embarrassing adventure.  And until I started telling you about them, I never realized just how many of these adventures take place away from home.  Anyway... We were sitting in the waiting area of his doctor's office. One of his  many  doctors, I might add, and one of his many doctor's appointments. The office was packed, and we found ourselves sitting on opposite sides of the room. Wherever I go, I usually bring a book to read. Either that, or I use my phone to write stories. Like this one. The person in the chair next to him heard his name called and went inside to have his vitals taken. The way he slowly shuffled away from us, I think his vitals were taken from him years ago. An elderly lady came into the office. Seeing the only chair available, she hobbled over to sit next to my father. Just then, my father's name was called. As the lady was sitting down, my father stood up. Maybe a bit too fast... BRAAAP! ...a...

My Thanksgiving was pretty low-key.  I had the Obamas over. B.O. and I have been friends ever since we were Community Organizers together back in Chicago.  Don't believe me?  Well, here's a link of us at work back in the day: https://youtu.be/MiOHQ4Rhgx4   So when President Obama calls, I jump.  But this time it wasn't President Obama who actually called me. It was his wife. "I found your number in my husband's secret address book," she told me.  There was an edge to her voice.  For some reason she never liked me.  I put the phone down.  It usually takes her 27 minutes to get to the point. When I picked the phone back up, she was saying, "...so I need you to host Thanksgiving for us. I'd do it myself, but I'm getting my hair done."  She hung up before I could answer.  And that's  how I got stuck cooking a turkey with all the trimmings yesterday.  When they knocked, as a practical joke I pulled down my zipper and stuck the ...

First and foremost, I'm thankful for the re-election of President Donald Trump, the man who once saved my life in 'Nam.  I know the official story is he avoided the draft by claiming to have bone spurs, but the truth is he was secretly assigned to F.E.R.R.E.T. Force Five, my old special ops outfit. We were an elite group of mercenary misfits and he was in charge of refreshments.  Thanks to the greatest president in my lifetime I made it back home and was able to live long enough to look back and wonder "What the heck have I done with my life?" You see, I've worked hard all my life to support my wife, my family, my mistresses. Now I figure it's time to let the government do it. Why? Because I can. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to feed a houseful of hungry kids, some of whom might even be yours? Well, neither does the government, that's why they're better suited for the job. School supplies?  I say, if the government requires us to send our ch...

I can't believe it.  There's going to be so much food.  I retired earlier this year, so this will be my first Thanksgiving where I don't have to work the day after, and judging by my wife's menu for our upcoming feast it looks like I'm going to spend the entire 4-day weekend digesting.  Heck, I'm still full from   last  year.  But before I sit down to begin my yearly tradition of eating more than anyone else, let me take a few minutes to tell you what I'm thankful for. First off, I'm thankful for holidays. They are the only days out of the year when I can eat what I want. Thanks to the special diet my doctor has me on, I'm only allowed to eat natural foods. That means when I'm hungry I have to go outside and lick a tree. I'm thankful I haven't heard much about the government shutting down again because, as we all know, if you don't hear anything then everything must be all right.  When the government shuts down it comes with more pro...