Thursday, September 1, 2011

9/11 Heroes... TAKE A HIKE!

When President Obama calls, I jump.  It's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam.  So, when he called me in to do some damage control concerning the upcoming 10th Anniversary Celebration of the 9/11 terrorist attack in New York City, I said:  "Yes, Mr. President, I'll take care of it."
     He was, of course, referring to the obvious faux paus of Mayor Bloomberg not inviting the First Responders who heroically risked and gave their lives to save fellow Americans in the cowardly attacks that brought down the Twin Towers.
     "I'd do it myself," he told me, "but I'm in the middle of a round of golf.  As-salaam alaykum."
     "Aleichem sholem."
     So this column is for all you 9/11 heroes--police officers, firemen, and, yeah, you guys in the military, too--complaining that you haven't been invited to the table with the grown ups.  Everybody else can stop reading right here.  You can go see who Jennifer Aniston is being dumped by this week on TMZ.
     That's okay, I'll wait. 
     Everybody gone who should be gone?  Good.
     Now, all you First Responders, listen up.  I only want to say this once, and, when I'm done, I'll deny ever having said it at all.  There's a reason you weren't invited to the party, and that reason is...  we don't care about you.  You guys are nothing but bad news, and a sorrowful reminder of what happened that day.  Oh, sure, we like you to show up when the Shiite hits the fan.  Who else are we going to call?  George Soros?  Bernie Madoff?  Get real.  So just stay home and watch the festivities on TV like the rest of the marks on the midway.  You'll only distract us from the true heroes of 9/11:  the actors, actresses, and politicians who have bravely stood up to the greatest enemy our country has ever faced...  Sarah Palin.
     I guess now that you've gone crying to the media we have to include you, but, really...  take a hint.  We don't want you there.  Except for security.
     You won't be missing much.  The celebration will be hosted by Matt Damon.  He'll give a riveting speech about the selfishness of the American people, and why everybody should be paying more in taxes.  He'll then introduce Miley Cyrus, who will premiere her new video.  Quick cuts to the audience will show Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian nodding approvingly.
     Gloria Steinem will speak about a woman's God-given right to kill her unborn baby--or, as Ms. Steinem likes to call it:  "fluffing pillows"--while it's still in the comfort and safety of its mother's womb.
     "I wish I were young again," she'll proudly declare, "so I, too, could murder my child."
     George Clooney--after sincerely telling us we should all be paying more in taxes--will conduct a moving tribute to the recently deceased Amy Winehouse, a true American hero.  We'll always remember, we'll never forget.  Then he'll get on his private jet and fly back to his Italian villa where his supermodel girlfriend will be waiting for him.
     Then it will be President Obama's turn to shine.  From Martha's Vineyard, and through the miracle of modern technology, he'll tweet everyone in the country that, while we're honoring the brave victims of 9/11, we should never forget who the true enemy of America is:  the Tea Party.  "And why aren't you guys paying higher taxes?"
     The Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will take the stage, and, after being made to give it back, will forgo, once again, mentioning God.  Instead, Al Sharpton will explain how 9/11 is all about him, and, together with Jesse Jackson, they will extort "donations" from the white members of the audience "or you're a racist!"
     The finale will be a mass gay marriage ceremony performed by a subdued Lady Gaga, dressed respectfully as the Twin Towers.  The Gaga is an ordained minister in the Church of Scientology, and it's rumored that even Lord Xenu will make a surprise appearance.  When the thousands of gay and inter-species couples say "I do," she'll explode, leaving only a pile of smoking rubble where she had just been standing.  A little black dog will walk over, sniff the spot, but, of course, she'll already be gone.
     So, you see, 9/11 heroes, you are not necessary.  But don't get me wrong, I'm not telling you not to show up...  I'm telling you to get lost.
     We'll call you if someone breaks a nail.

The Aw, Nuts! Humor Blog

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