I'm not materialistic.
You can get me anything you want for my birthday.
As long as you wrap it in cash.
Nice try, people named Tristan...
...or should I say: Stan, Stan, Stan!
Sometimes my jokes are just for me.
A Fake News report you never see:
"Psychic Wins Lottery!"
"No, those clothes don't make you look fat," I used to tell my ex. "You ALREADY look that way."
Money doesn't buy happiness...
...but it DOES provide for a more comfortable despair.
I think it's wrong that only ONE company makes the game of Monopoly.
"Two can play at THAT game," says the guy who's confused about how to play solitaire.
"Lucy. In the sky. With diamonds."
--John Lennon aka The World's WORST Clue player.
I was playing chess with a friend.
We decided to make it MORE interesting...
...so we stopped playing chess.
I'm the WORLD CHAMPION Trivial Pursuit player, but what good is THAT going to do me?
It's got the word "TRIVIAL" in its NAME!
I've just swallowed three Scrabble tiles.
Just an FYI.
I hate it when I see some old geezer and then realize that I went to school with him.
Why is "You've made your bed, now lie in it" considered a Negative statement?
I don't have to be told TWICE to take a nap.