My Halloween Tweets

My Halloween Tweets

The doctor said my tumor was the size of a pear, just not as tasty.

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For Halloween, I bought TEN bags of candy. For myself. The trick-or-treaters can fend for themselves.

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He's a terrible soldier but a heckuva nice guy. I don't have the heart to give him a dishonorable discharge, so send him to the front line.

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Did you hear about the new Divorcee Barbie? You wind her up, and she leaves with half your stuff.

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To be old and wise, you first have to be young and dumb. I'd say most of you have got this covered.

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Janet Jackson says she'd GLADLY perform with Justin Timberlake again at the Super Bowl if they were to ask. Don't beg, Janet. It's beneath you.

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"Honey, I have a confession to make. I'm a werewolf." "Thank goodness! I thought you were having an affair."

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Next Halloween, the sequel to IT will feature a female Pennywise. When you go into the sewer, you're going to SHE-IT!

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For Halloween, I'm going as your worse nightmare. The one person who knows your whole life is a complete lie.

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The only thing better than candy is FREE candy.

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My Halloween date cost me an arm and a leg. Take it from me, kids... NEVER date a zombie.

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Trick or treat... OR ELSE!

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Halloween's over. Okay, everybody, you can take your masks off now. What do you mean you're not wearing a mask?

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Goodbye.
You're now one day closer to the end of your life.

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