American Chimpanzee

 Once upon a time before the election... Hillary Clinton sat alone in her study contemplating the upcoming 2024 presidential election. Biden had a successful four years, she thought, but surely he realized it was not in the best interest of the Democratic Party for him to run for a second term, and if he didn't run that created an opportunity. The opportunity to run again. That would be good for her, but, more importantly, that would be good for America. "God bless us every one," she said out loud, liking the idea of it. Oh, sure, by the look of things she might end up running against Trump again, but she liked the idea of that, too. Fate seemed to be offering her a second chance to prove what she had known all these years, that she had been cheated in 2016. The doors to her study burst open and there stood a ghostly Bill Clinton, chains attached to his wrists and ankles, a thick metal collar padlocked around his neck. A fifth chain hung loosely from the back of the colla...

"Merry Christmas!" I tell Christian, handing him my tiny gift. "Why, Ana," he says, honestly surprised. "I already told you, this wasn't necessary. With you in my life, I already have everything I want." "I know you told me not to, but I couldn't resist." Peeling off the wrapping paper as easily as my panties the night before, he opened the box. "A diamond tie pin!" he exclaimed happily, immediately putting it to use securing his tie. Why he chooses to wear a tie with his pajamas is a fashion statement I'll never understand. "I love it, Ana." "That means a lot to me, Christian." "How could you afford something so extravagant?" "You know my Volkswagen Beetle, the one I love so much I swore I'd never get rid of it?" "Yes." "I got rid of it." "But you LOVED that car, Ana. In fact, when I tried to get rid of it, you made me give it back." "I love you ...

Bob Cratchit got up from his desk as Ebenezer Scrooge hunched over his account books. "Sir?" he said, tapping on the old man's door. "I've copied all the letters and filed the paperwork. I also brought in more firewood and swept out the ashes." Here, Bob Cratchit paused, and then began again. "And, well, it's closing time, Mr. Scrooge." "Fine," Scrooge replied. "If your work is finished, you may leave." "Mr. Scrooge?" Cratchit proceeded cautiously. "Tomorrow is Christmas, a day to spend with family." "Christmas? Bah!" Scrooge all but spat. "Fine. Take tomorrow off, but be here early the next day." "Yes, sir," Cratchit acquiesced. "You can count on it, sir." Cratchit pulled his coat snug around him. "Merry Christmas, Mr. Scrooge," he said, and then stood there. Waiting. "Well?" Scrooge said, getting up from his desk. "I just thought…" ...

Hard-Core Advice From Hard-Core's Hardest Core...  John Leslie! Dear John, My 23-year-old daughter is out of control, and has been since she was 16. She has a 2-year-old daughter, but she lives her life on the edge. She spends her days on the Internet meeting strange men and going out with them who knows where? On weekends, she drops off her daughter with me and takes off. She has a history of drug and alcohol abuse and prostitution, but swears she only drinks alcohol now. I get so worried and upset I find myself yelling at her and trying to prevent her from leaving with these strange men. She thinks I'm trying to control her life, but I'm trying to save her. Here it is, Christmas, and all I'm doing is worrying that she's going to be the "gift that keeps on giving." What should I do? I'm getting too old to be stressing out about what and who she's doing. -Stressed Dear Stressed, What you see as a destructive life-style choice, I see as a great care...

The Twelve Beers Of Christmas     On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a cooler full of Coors beer. On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me two Michelobs,  and a cooler full of Coors beer. On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me three Schlitz Lights,  two Michelobs...  a nd a cooler full of Coors beer. On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me four Rolling Rocks,  three Schlitz Lights, two Michelobs... and a cooler full of Coors beer. On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Five! Bud! Wei! Sers! four Rolling Rocks, three Schlitz Lights, two Michelobs... and a cooler full of Coors beer. On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me six guzzlers guzzling, Five! Bud! Wei! Sers! four Rolling Rocks, three Schlitz Lights, two Michelobs... and a cooler full of Coors beer. On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me seven brewers brewing,  six guzzlers guzzling, Five! ...

  Somewhere... in the cosmos... "You sent for me, sir? "Yes, Clarence. A man down on Earth needs our help." "Splendid! Maybe then, sir, maybe then I'll get my wings?" The infamous drug lord Scarface lay dying. Shot in the back by the hitman sent by his enemies. In the distance he could see the mountain of cocaine piled on his desk. It looked comical to him now. His vision slowly began to fade as his life poured out of him in a red, warm liquid. Fading... fading...  and then miraculously clear!  "Hi, I'm Clarence," a jovial voice said, as a white-haired old coot slid into view above him. Scarface's eyes blinked. He felt his chest. There were no wounds, no blood, but... but that was impossible. His mind felt sharp, crystal clear. Sobriety, he laughed at the irony, felt better than any drug. The old man helped him up. "Who are you?" Scarface asked, suspiciously. "I'm Clarence, your guardian angel." "My guardian an...

The infamous drug lord Scarface was alone on Christmas Eve. His huge mansion empty, except for the bodyguards paid to protect him. Scarface was remembering his old life in Cuba. He loved his country and his family, but he loved money and power more. He absently touched the scar on his face that earned him his nickname. He was so lost in his remorse that he didn't notice he was no longer alone. "I am Tubbs, the Ghost of Christmas Past." Bam! Bam! Bam!  Scarface shot the phantom three times with his Glock, but the shots had no effect. "Um... you did hear me tell you that I'm a ghost, right?" Tubbs asked. "Now, come with me to when you were a man of 16." The apparition waved its hand, and there on the floor were Scarface's parents. Both dead. A much younger Scarface standing above them. His gun still smoking in his hand. "Why did you kill them?" Tubbs asked. "They stole from me, and  nobody  steals from Tony Montana." "The...

I got home from work the other night and saw my little girl watching the holiday classic  Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.  This was two days  before  Thanksgiving! I grimaced. I'm not saying that particular Christmas special is bad (which it is), I'm just saying the only thing worse was listening to Miley Cyrus sing Nirvana's  Smells Like Teen Spirit.  And the only thing worse than that is watching her dance to it. Don't believe me? Check it out for yourself on YouTube. Anyway... I sat down and watched it with her. Why? Because that's what Dads who love their little girls do. As my mind wandered and my eyes glazed over, I was reminded of a time, not so long ago, I met a brave little pig. Traveling, I stopped at a farm because I had heard farmers tend to have attractive daughters with liberal ideas about hospitality, but, instead of a daughter, this farmer had a pig. The pig was missing three of its legs, one of its two eyes, both ears, its tail, and part o...

Well, I did it.  I was able to get my hands on the hottest Christmas toy  du jour  of the season. The stores were sold out. It wasn't available online. My neighbors have the selfish habit of locking their doors.  So how did I do it? Let's just say, who needs  two  kidneys?  Just ask comedian George Lopez's ex-wife, who was generous enough to lovingly give her husband one of hers just before he dumped her. I don't blame George for divorcing her. Who wants to be married to a woman with only one kidney?  But I digress... The toy in question wasn't Sesame Street's new Tickle-My-Tonsils Elmo doll, that would be in poor taste. No, I got The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo doll, with removable piercings and changeable tattoos. Eyebrows are optional.  With Christmas right around the corner, that special time of pretending to love the gifts you were given, I'm sitting back, drinking a little spiked eggnog, and thinking back to a simpler time when the toys...

  Christmas In El Chuco 'Twas the night before Christmas, Right here in  El Chuco , I was drinking outside, Talking chisme  with Tuco. My black socks were hung Like Christmas stockings, you see, My wife, she has four kids. Myself, I have three. When what to our watering eyes Should appear, It was  Papá Noel , With a sleigh full of beer. He brought Tecate, Coors Light, And even Budweiser. And then, for much later, Some Viagra from Pfizer. His eyes, how they twinkled Behind wire-framed glasses. He was here to bring beer To the beer-drinking masses. "Ay,  loco ," I told him. "Come join us, my friend." But he had just gotten started, And must get started again. As he started to leave, He gave a high-five. "Merry Christmas to all, And don't drink and drive!"    

Life is always an adventure with my father.  An embarrassing adventure.  And until I started telling you about them, I never realized just how many of these adventures take place away from home.  Anyway... We were sitting in the waiting area of his doctor's office. One of his  many  doctors, I might add, and one of his many doctor's appointments. The office was packed, and we found ourselves sitting on opposite sides of the room. Wherever I go, I usually bring a book to read. Either that, or I use my phone to write stories. Like this one. The person in the chair next to him heard his name called and went inside to have his vitals taken. The way he slowly shuffled away from us, I think his vitals were taken from him years ago. An elderly lady came into the office. Seeing the only chair available, she hobbled over to sit next to my father. Just then, my father's name was called. As the lady was sitting down, my father stood up. Maybe a bit too fast... BRAAAP! ...a...