Friday, December 2, 2011

Headlines (Part Two)

Obama Pardons 2 Gobblers
President Obama continued a White House Thanksgiving tradition by pardoning two gobblers.  Though grateful, both Monica Lewinski and former Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky had no further comment.

Tent Fire Kills 13 At Eunuch Gathering
This is a really sad story, but the fact that they were eunuchs makes it funny.  The only thing that would have made it funnier is if the eunuchs were midgets.  The approximately 5,000 eunuchs gathered in India for a prayer ceremony.
Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor.
(Interesting sidebar:  Eunuchs use only one name.  Like Cher.)

Police:  Man Viewed Child Porn On Flight
Once again, Jerry Sandusky had no comment.

Nearly 400,000 Deported In Fiscal Year
Do you know what President Obama calls over 400,000 illegal aliens deported back to Mexico?
A good start.

Justice Dept. Lawyers Say They'll Quit If Offices Close
The career antitrust lawyers later retracted their threat when they realized nobody cared.

Truck With Obama Gear Stolen In VA
And these are the guys we're supposed to trust with our health care?

American Duo Wins Nobel In Economics
Christopher Sims and Thomas Sargeant, both 68, devised tools to analyze how changes in interest rates and taxes affect growth and inflation.
"We've found that the less money a person has, the less money that person will spend," said one.
Their work doesn't provide answers to solve today's economic problems.
"Yeah, I guess you can say it's a scam," said the other.

Anyone Can Run For U.S. President
And, apparently, anyone can win.

Please Don't Touch The Baby, Signs Ask Politely
"Why's everybody looking at me?" asks a non-commenting Jerry Sandusky.

How To Keep Courts Running After Attack On Several Justices
A new report by Norman Ornstein & John Fortier of the American Enterprise Institute and Thomas Mann of the Brookings Institution came to the conclusion that "You can make a ton of cash writing reports for the government.  Ka-ching!"

Woman, 62, Hurt When Car Hits Her
"Don't worry, I'm okay," said the car.

Police:  Fake Doc Injected Cement In Woman's Rear
"I should have been suspicious," said the woman, "when the doctor said 'I'm going to inject cement into your ass.'"

Muffins Weren't $16 Apiece After All
The $16 muffin that became a reviled symbol of government waste didn't cost $16, after all.  That's the new conclusion of Justice Dept. auditors in an audit that cost the taxpayers $14,000,000. 
"They were actually $15.99," they admitted, and immediately apologized to the Justice Dept.'s Executive Office for Immigration Review, which sponsored the 2009 conference.
"It didn't seem like such a big deal once we realized it wasn't our money we were spending," they clarified.

High School Teacher With Porn Web Sites Put On Leave
In a related story, she was voted favorite teacher by the male Student Body and Faculty.

School Principal Resigns After Sexting Student, 22
If there's one thing this principal should have learned from disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner it's that no young girl is interested in a picture of your dork.

Testing Anthrax Vaccine On Kids Draws Fire
"What's the big deal?" Jerry Sandusky finally comments.
Fifty Shades of Funny


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