Friday, November 2, 2012

Disney + Lucas = Monkeys

That George Lucas is a genius.
     First, he's sold Lucasfilm Ltd. to Disney for 4.05 BILLION dollars, and now, while the hacks are busy converting their movies into 3D, he's already onto the next big thing: monkeys!
     Although Lucas has also converted and released his Star Wars franchise in 3D, his main focus, besides draining your wallet of all the money it might contain, has been to add monkeys into his epic tale of a galaxy far, far away.
     It's not such a crazy idea.
     There's no idea so bad that adding a monkey to it won't make it better. When I watched the movie 12 Monkeys a decade or so back, I remember thinking at the time: "You know what this movie needs? More monkeys." That Monty Python guy should have made the movie about 13 monkeys, because that one extra monkey would have made all the difference at the box office.
     I know we're all tired of Sylvester Stallone's Rocky franchise, but don't tell me you wouldn't get excited at the prospect of seeing Rocky Balboa fight an angry chimpanzee in Rocky VII. A chimp, when it's angry, has that monkey strength going for it. It's like The Incredible Hulk, the angrier it gets, the stronger it gets. And it doesn't care if it rips your face off. Monkeys fight dirty, my friend. Never forget that. But my bigger point is: who doesn't want to see an angry chimpanzee rip off Sylvester Stallone's face?
     Me? I personally couldn't stand the movie Titanic. Kate Winslet was especially unwatchable. If I wanted to see a naked fat woman, I'd go back to my first wife. But if you were to replace her with a monkey, I'd be first in line to be bored by it all over again. That's assuming you could find a monkey as Rubenesque as Miss Winslet.
     Clint Eastwood's new movie, Trouble With The Curve, was an embarrassing flop. In fact, I think the only person who saw it was the person sitting in that empty chair next to Mr. Eastwood when he addressed the RNC. You know what it needed? Monkeys.
     As for the horror genre, it seems about played out. You know what could save it? Zombies.
     But we already have zombies.
     Well, I say, quit'cher whining. I'm not just talking about any old zombies. I'm talking about monkey zombies.
     What's that you say? How about Superman as a monkey? Now you're just plain being silly.
     No, there's not a movie so bad or so good that it can't be made better with a monkey added to it. And the trend doesn't have to be limited to movies. After all, the best part of the song Guitarzan by Ray Stevens is when that funky little monkey who likes to get drunky sings the boogie woogie.
     For example, what could have saved Conan O'Brien from unceremoniously being dumped from the Tonight Show? That's right, monkeys. Monkeys could have also saved George Lopez from being unceremoniously dumped by TBS.
     Right now, Oprah is looking for some gimmick to save her Oprah Winfrey Channel. My suggestion? Monkeys. The idea's gold.
     If Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr were to try to tour as the Beatles with two other guitar players--even if those guitar players were, say, Eric Clapton and Slash--the idea would be loathed and belittled. But if John Lennon and George Harrison were replaced by monkeys... sheer genius.
     If a monkey were to tour as Elvis Presley, I'm not sure how successful it might be, but I'm betting a monkey would still be more entertaining than Britney Spears.
     Finally, you know the saying: If a million monkeys were to sit at a million typewriters for a million years...'d have a million dead monkeys on your hands.
Fifty Shades of Funny

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