American Chimpanzee

As a faux member of the Advisory Committee reporting to the FDA, I felt it was my duty to inform them that, while genetically engineered salmon appears to be safe, more testing would be needed before I, in good conscience, could approve it.      "When you're dealing with the public's safety it's better to err on the side of caution. Do the math," I insisted, "do the math."      AquaBounty Technologies, Inc., the developer of the would-be country's first genetically engineered food animal, made it clear to me that they were "unpleased" with my stipulation, and offered to give me a personal tour of their facilities. When I hesitated, they also made it clear to me that I did not have a choice.      I must admit, I was very impressed with what I saw when I got there. The whole farm looked very clean and state-of-the-art.      "See that," my guide pointed to a randomly selected room. "We even have c...

     "Yay! Obama won the debate!"      "Yay! Romney won the debate!"      "No, Obama won the debate!"      "No, Romney won the debate!"      "Obama won the debate!"      "Romney won the debate!"      "Obama won!"      "Romney won!"      "Obama won!"      "Romney won!"      "Obama won!"      "Romney won!"      "Obama won!"      "Romney won!"      "Obama won!"      "Romney won!'      "Obama!"      "Romney!"      "Obama!"      "Romney!"      "Obama!"      "Romney!"      "Obama!"      "Romney!" ...

NOTICE*   Persons attempting to find originality in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find ingenuosity in it will be banished; persons attempting to find other big words that they don't understand but pretend they do will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR Per G. G., CHIEF OF ORDNANCE.     Martha Razmataz, the 2012 Vice Presidential debate moderator, welcomed Democrat Vice President Joe Biden and Republican vice-presidential candidate Rep. Paul Ryan to Centre College in Danville, Kentucky for their one and only debate. Centre College is well-known in the halls of acadamia for not knowing the correct spelling of the word "center."      Biden eyed Ryan cautiously. The challenger had a conservative air about him that ate into the Vice President's vitals.The more Biden stared at the young upstart, the older and less-relevant he seemed to himself. Neither man spoke. If one moved, the other m...

P is for Psycho      Don't let Norman get too chummy R is for poor Ramses      You know him as the Mummy E is for the Evil      In Dr. Jekyll's drink S is for Lord Satan      A Republican, I think I is for the Invisible Man      Who challenges your sight D is for Count Dracula      He'll love you at first bite E is for Elm Street      Where Freddy likes to play N is for Nightfall      The Wolfman's favorite time of day T is for the Tortured Souls      Burning sinfully in Hell O is for the Opera      Where the Phantom likes to dwell B is for Bigfoot      A wookie gave him birth A is for Space Aliens      Who've come to conquer Earth M is for the Monster      Dr. Frankenstein's his pop And A... well, A is fo...

chapter one Was Jesus married? chapter two   No. the end     I was surprised to see the name of an old flame of mine, Karen L. King, in a newspaper article by Nicole Winfield of the Associated Press. I was especially surprised to discover that Ms. King is now a professor of early Chistianity at Harvard Divinity School, and that she claims a Coptic papyrus fragment, that was supposedly recently discovered and translated, apparently says, "Jesus said to them, 'My wife...'"      I knew Ms. King back in college where she was captain of the university's cheerleading squad. She was voted Miss Congeniality by the football team, and didn't mind being referred to as "Miss" back then.      This is "the first known statement that explicitly claims that Jesus had [a] wife," she was quoted as saying. Although "this fragment and that sentence is not evidence of Jesus' marital status."  ...

I'm holding the new iPhone 5 in my hand as I write this, and I wonder: What is all the fuss about? I hate to sound like a geezer, but I sure am tired of modern technology.      You see, I'm old school. An original gangsta. I was country before country was cool. I'm not saying I'm ancient, I'm just saying that when God said "Let there be light!" He first had to tell me to get the heck out of the way.      When I wake up in the morning, before I start my day, I like to kick back with a hot cup of joe, leisurely read my morning newspaper, and ignore my wife. But now I'm told that newspapers are on the way out, and Apple's new iPhone 5 is the latest must-have toy du jour... until the iPhone 6 comes out, that is. As for me, I don't think so. I'm entirely satisfied with my newspaper, thank you very much.      Oh, sure, the new iPhone's screen might be bigger, the processing speed might be faster, and it ha...

the following is an excerpt  of the Pulitzer Prize winning #1 New York Times Bestseller   Give Me Your Money (and good things will happen to you)* by Rev. Jim Duchene   "Jesus didn't need to walk on water twice to make His point."                                                                                                      Uncle Sweetheart        "What did the monkey say to the leopard at the card game? 'I thought you were a c...