Saturday, September 22, 2012

Why MY Newspaper Is Better Than YOUR iPhone 5

I'm holding the new iPhone 5 in my hand as I write this, and I wonder: What is all the fuss about? I hate to sound like a geezer, but I sure am tired of modern technology.
     You see, I'm old school. An original gangsta. I was country before country was cool. I'm not saying I'm ancient, I'm just saying that when God said "Let there be light!" He first had to tell me to get the heck out of the way.
     When I wake up in the morning, before I start my day, I like to kick back with a hot cup of joe, leisurely read my morning newspaper, and ignore my wife. But now I'm told that newspapers are on the way out, and Apple's new iPhone 5 is the latest must-have toy du jour... until the iPhone 6 comes out, that is. As for me, I don't think so. I'm entirely satisfied with my newspaper, thank you very much.
     Oh, sure, the new iPhone's screen might be bigger, the processing speed might be faster, and it has a personal assistant called Siri who talks to you, but I have something I call a life. Who has time to carry on a conversation with a phone? On my iPhone 5, my personal assistant insists its name is Stivi, not Siri, and all it does is complain about a pain in its pancreas.
     "You're a phone," I tell it. "You don't have a pancreas."
     "What does that have to do with anything?" it says.
     The times, as Bob Dylan once sang, they are a-changing. These days you either have to learn how to use a computer or you learn how to use a broom. So trust me, loyal readers, when I tell you that in every way a newspaper is superior to an iPhone. Don't believe me?
     I'll prove it to you.

The Top Ten Reasons Why MY Newspaper Is Better Than YOUR iPhone
10) If you damage your newspaper, it won't cost you over $500 to replace. I'm not saying Apple products are overpriced. I'm just saying that P.T. Barnum would have seen you coming.
9) You can share it. Although, to tell the truth, my dad wasn't too keen about sharing his morning newspaper. Even the sections he didn't read.
     "Dad," I'd ask him, "can I have the comics?"
     "No," he'd say.
     "But why?"
     That was usually the extent of our morning conversations.
8) When you finally move out of your parent's basement, just try wrapping up all of your breakables in your iPhone. What do you mean you're never going to move out of your parent's basement?
7) What are you going to do with all that left-over Silly Putty?
6) If you forget to charge it... oh, wait, a newspaper doesn't need to be charged. Suckers!
5) Just try housebreaking your new puppy on an iPhone.
4) Hackers can't hack into your newspaper and steal all of those cheesecake photos you took of yourself to send to your boyfriend. You know the ones I'm talking about.
3) On April 30, 1945 Adolph Hitler was working with Eva Braun on an iPhone prototype in his Fuhrerbunker in Berlin when it caught fire and exploded. The rest, my friends, is history.
2) In a pinch, you can always use your newspaper for toilet pa...  technical difficulties... please stand by...
     And the number one reason why my newspaper is better than your iPhone:
     Well, that always worked for my dad.
Fifty Shades of Funny

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