Persons attempting to find originality in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find ingenuosity in it will be banished; persons attempting to find other big words that they don't understand but pretend they do will be shot.
BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR
Per G. G., CHIEF OF ORDNANCE.
Martha Razmataz, the 2012 Vice Presidential debate moderator, welcomed Democrat Vice President Joe Biden and Republican vice-presidential candidate Rep. Paul Ryan to Centre College in Danville, Kentucky for their one and only debate. Centre College is well-known in the halls of acadamia for not knowing the correct spelling of the word "center."
Biden eyed Ryan cautiously. The challenger had a conservative air about him that ate into the Vice President's vitals.The more Biden stared at the young upstart, the older and less-relevant he seemed to himself. Neither man spoke. If one moved, the other moved--but only sidewise, in a circle; they kept face to face and eye to eye all the time. Finally Biden said:
"I can lick you!"
"I'd like to see you try it."
"No, you can't, either."
"Yes I can."
"No, you can't."
An uncomfortable pause. Then Biden said:
"What's your name?"
" 'Tisn't any of your business, maybe."
"Well I 'low I'll make it my business."
"Well why don't you?"
"If you say much I will."
"Much--much--much. There now."
"Oh, you think you're mighty smart, don't you? I could lick you with one hand tied behind me, if I wanted to."
"Well why don't you do it? You say you can do it."
"Well I will, if you fool with me."
"Oh yes--I've seen whole families in the same fix."
"Smarty! You think you're some, now, don't you? Oh what a hat!"
"You can lump that hat if you don't like it. I dare you to knock it off--and anybody that'll take that dare will suck eggs."
"You're a liar!"
"You're a fighting liar and dasn't take it up."
"Aw--take a walk."
"Say--if you give me much more of your sass I'll take and bounce a rock off'n your head."
"Oh, of course you will."
"Well I will."
"Well why don't you do it? It's because you're afraid."
"I ain't afraid."
Another pause, and more eyeing and sidling around each other. Presently they were shoulder to shoulder. Biden said:
"Get away from here!"
"Go away yourself!"
"I won't either."
So they stood, but neither could get an advantage. Each relaxed his strain with watchful caution, and Biden said:
"You're a coward and a pup. I'll tell Obama on you, and he can thrash you with his little finger, and I'll make him do it, too."
"What do I care for Obama? I've got a running mate that's bigger than he is--and what's more, Romney can throw him over that fence, too."
"That's a lie."
"Your saying so don't make it so."
Biden drew a line in the dust on the floor with the tip of his shoe, well-shined by an unpaid intern, and said:
"I dare you to step over that, and I'll lick you till you can't stand up. Anybody that'll take a dare will steal sheep."
Ryan stepped over promptly, and said:
"Now you said you'd do it, now let me see you do it."
"Don't you crowd me now; you better look out."
"Well, you said you'd do it--why don't you do it?"
"By jingo! for two cents I will do it."
Ryan took two broad coppers out of his pocket and held them out with derision. Biden struck them to the ground, and then, just as quickly, bent down to pick them up and put them in his pocket. He was a Democrat, after all. In an instant both politicians were rolling and tumbling on the floor, covering themselves with dust and glory. Presently the confusion took form and through the fog of battle Biden appeared, seated astride Ryan, and pounding him with his verbosity.
"Holler 'nuff!" said he.
Ryan only struggled to free himself. He was crying foul,--mainly from rage.
"Holler 'nuff!"--and the pounding went on.
At last Ryan got out a smothered " 'Nuff!" and Biden let him up and said:
"Now that'll learn you. Better look out who you're fooling with next time."
Ryan went off brushing the dust from his clothes, occasionally looking back and shaking his head and threatening what he would do to Biden the "next time he caught him out." To which Biden responded with jeers, but as soon as his back was turned Ryan snatched up a hard fact, threw it and hit him between the shoulders and then turned tail and ran faster than Bill Clinton dropping his pantaloons at the Miss Arkansas pageant. Biden chased the impertinent pup back to his seat, held a position at the table, and dared him to stand up and face him like a man, or as close to one as a politician can muster. Ryan only made faces at him and declined. At last Martha Razmataz regained control of the debate, and called it to an end.
Biden went away; but said he " 'lowed" to "lay" for "my friend."
Fifty Shades of Funny
*With apologies to Mark Twain.