Monday, October 22, 2012

The Presidential Debate Demands

Thank God the debates are over.
     The demands the two presidential candidates were making for each of the debates were driving me nuts. You see, I'M the Walt Disney of the political world. I'm in charge of making their dreams come true.
     For example, while President Obama insisted that there be no brown M&Ms in his candy bowl, Governor Romney insisted just as forcefully that he receive all the brown M&Ms that Obama discarded.
     Like I said, these bozos drive me nuts.
     The last of the presidential debates was held at Lynn College, proudly named after Ginger Lynn, a legend in the hallowed halls of academia. Many a college professor has pulled an all-nighter contemplating the beautiful simplicity of Ginger's mathmatical theorum: 2d + 1v = dp.
     The college is located in the city of Boca Raton, Florida. Did you know "Boca Raton" is Spanish for "rat mouth"? Somehow, it seems fitting.
     Lynn College found out the hard way that not only do presidential debates require a lot of work, but they also requires a lot of cash. For this particular debate, Lynn College has spent nearly $5 million just in campaign contributions alone. When I asked the president of the college about this, she assured me that it was merely a coincidence that tuition will be going up by the same amount next year.
     My taking care of all those demands means paying attention to details. Is the temperature set at a cool 68 degrees? Is the broccoli cut into individual florets? Has Ron Jeremy arrived yet? The list of demands is almost endless. For example, I recently shredded papers containing a total of 473(!) demands. And that was just from Michele Obama.
     Here's an abbreviated list of the items and services I was required to provide for Barack Obama and Mitt Romney backstage:

     1) An Elvis impersonator who only covers Led Zeppelin songs.

     2) Pumpkin aromatherapy candles. The scent of pumpkin is supposedly an aphrodisiac for women. Which probably explains the...

     3) Box of Magnums. Interestingly enough, they weren't for Obama.

     4) A map of the campus drawn by a one-legged map-maker. People with one leg know the easiest way to get places.

     5) A small bottle of KY Warming Oil (see items #2 and #3).

     6) All the leftover Red Bull from the Joe Biden debate.

     7) A vegetable tray, which should be immediately be thrown into the trash. Just keep the steaks coming, cheapskates.

     8) A case of Grey Poupon mustard. Gee, I wonder who ordered that one?

     9) A one-humped camel that likes to hump twice.

     10) Because of the recent resurgence of al-Qaida, a terrorist attack is certainly possible.
Therefore, all audience members will be required to change their underwear every half hour to foil the plans of any potential underwear bombers. To make sure of this, underwear will be worn on the outside of any and all clothing.

     11) An empty chair, just in case Clint Eastwood shows up.

     12) 72 virgins. Although, since this debate is being held at a liberal arts college, I don't know if I'll find any.

     13) Copies of the President's new book, We'll See, But Don't Hold Me To That, and an Obama look-alike to sign them.

     14) A really old debate moderator. Wait... never mind.

     15) A duffel-bag filled with cash to be picked up by some guy from Chicago. I was assured I'd know him when I'd see him.

     16) One Hawaiian birth certificate. Name and date to be filled in at a time to be determined later.

     17) An apple. Actually, this is also a part of ObamaCare, since you-know-what keeps you-know-who away.

     18) Plenty of weed and blow. Just kidding!  (No, I'm not.)

     19) A coupon for one free abortion to be redeemed at the Planned Parenthood of your choice (see #2 and #3).

     20) DVD copies of the movies The Re-Animator and Return of the Living Dead.

     21) A young Korean masseuse to administer the Al Gore Special.

     22) Cucumbers.

     23) Something nice for the wife.

     24) In fact, make it a baby-doll nightie with fur along the bottom to keep her neck warm.

     25) A name whose number of letters don't easily divide into 6-6-6.

     26) A copy of the Koran.

     27) A copy of Fifty Shades of Grey.

     28) ObamaPhones for everybody!

     29) A good economy.

     30) Sarah Palin (see #2 and #3).

Fifty Shades of Funny

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