Friday, May 6, 2011

Suing McDonald's

Whatever happened to frivolous lawsuits?
     One day, they were all over the news, and the next they were gone faster than my ex-wife at a Motley Crew concert.
     I have a theory. Do you want to hear what it is? Of course you do. That’s because you show such good judgement. My theory is this: it’s the Democrats.
     After being in power for so long, they’ve pretty much given the kind of people who like to sue everything they’ve asked for and more. It will be different by the time this is published, but right now Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are fighting over who can hand out freebies the fastest.
     This doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I’m at an age where I’m tired of working and am looking forward to the government supporting me for a change.
     I remember when, just a few years back, a California mother of two and the Center for Absconding with Public Funds were suing McDonald's Corp. claiming that the fast-food chain deliberately used toys to turn innocent children into brainwashed junk-food junkies.
     "It's all a part of a sophisticated, high-tech marketing scheme that's designed to put McDonald's between me and my daughters," the California mother of two said at a news conference I just happened to be at.
     I saw her youngest daughter, clearly touched, raise her arms for a hug.
     "I love you, mommy," she said.
     "Shaddup!" the mother of two yelled at her one, and then turned her attention back to the reporters. She batted her eyes coyly. "Besides, I could really use the money."
     While McDonald's was facing intense scrutiny for including toys with certain purchases, they were quick to point out that it was possible to order their Happy Meals with healthier selections, such as apple slices generously slathered with tasty preservatives instead of their delicious fries, or a synthetic milk-like substance instead of a sweet soda.
     "Our employees are only too happy to accommodate our valued customers if they specifically request the healthier foods," the founder of McDonald's, Ray Kroc, said. He clearly felt this matter was important enough to come back from the dead for.
     I could see that this only made the California mother of two angrier.
     "You mean now I have to 'specifically request' healthier food items? That's just too much of a bother. Why can't the McDonald's employees be trained to already know what I want? And what I want is for McDonald's to stop coming between me and my family."
     "I love you, mommy!"
     "Shaddup!" the California mother of two shrieked lovingly at her most precious of possessions. Realizing what she had done, she quickly turned her head to smile demurely at the reporters. "Besides,” she cooed, “I could really use the money."
     Her lawyers, who filed the lawsuit in San Francisco's state court (which, incidentally, is an excellent city for the southwest's poor, homeless, and mentally ill to move to due to the generosity of their welfare system and the accessibility of their free health care), said: "We ask the court to bar McDonald's from enticing children like fast-food pedophiles with their toys. We do not seek damages.  Not even in the amount of a single dollar."
     "What?!" The California mother of two jumped up furiously, her eyes wide with rage. "No money? But you told me..."
     "Relax,” one of her attorneys cautioned her. “We don't have a Big Mac’s chance on Rosie O’Donnell’s dinner table of winning this lawsuit, but ever since that woman won over three million dollars from them for being served the hot coffee she ordered and then having the good sense to spill it on herself, we're certain McDonald's will settle out of court and that's where you'll get your money."
     "Well… I could always use the money,” the California mother confirmed. “After all, I’m only doing it for my children."
     “You’re the best mommy in the whole world,” her little girl said, proudly.
     “Now, honey,” the mother said, gently, “didn’t I already tell you to shut up?”
                                          Frivolous Lawsuits?  Not In El Paso, Baby!
American Chimpanzee

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