Saturday, December 1, 2012

Congressional Orientation

When President Obama calls, I jump.
     It's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam.
     And that's how I found myself conducting the orientation for the incoming freshman class of legislators. I met with them on the Sunday after the election, and quickly began my spiel.
     "This is the Capital Hill cafeteria, but you won't be eating here. What you'll do is go to any four- or five-star restaurant where lobbyists will be eagerly waiting to buy you lunch, and the best part is you get the tip.
     "Once you take office you'll be assigned a personal receptionist. She'll make sure that your constituents will in no way be able to get in contact with you.
     "On a similar note, you will be assigned a stretch limousine. The windows will be tinted extra dark, so you can conduct the people's business in private with enthusiastic interns. You'll also be assigned a chauffeur in the ethnicity of your choice."
     We made our way over to the White House, and walked toward the Oval Office.
     "What's behind that door?" a newbie asked. I believe he was Beto O'Rourke from El Paso.
     "That's where we keep the aliens from Roswell," I answered, and then diverted his attention. "You're name's 'Beto,' isn't it? What kind of a name is 'Beto' for an Irishman?"
     "That's my given name," he answered.
     "Well, give it back," I told him.
     I pointed out what looked like a small fountain, only it was filled with cash, instead of water.
     "Here's a bowl we keep filled with hundred dollar bills. Help yourselves. It's free for everybody... except the taxpayers. President Obama first got the idea when he read 'Stranger in a Strange Land' in college. And, speaking of President Obama, he just got back from a round of golf, and is excited to meet with each and every one of you, so let's split up into two groups. Democrats to my left. Republicans to my right. Okay, you Democrats can go right in. As for you Republicans, well, it seems the President has just left on another vacation and can't meet with you after all. You'll be meeting with Joe Biden. No? Well, then, follow me."
     We left the White House, and made our way down the street.
     "This is the Capital Hill Post Office. This is where you'll cash any personal checks. If you don't have the necessary funds in your account, the American tax-payer will be more than happy to cover it for you. Just ask Ron Coleman."
     I pointed to the former Congressman. He was waiting impatiently in line to cash another check. He's been out of office for years, but he's never left. I always see him cashing checks.
     From there we made our way to the Capital Hill gym.
     "This gym comes with a personal trainer," I told my group.
     "Is he any good?" O'Rourke spoke up again. Man, that guy asks a lot of questions.
     "We don't know," I answered honestly. "No one in Congress has ever used him. Everyone prefers the massage therapists. They're personally trained by Al Gore, for those of you with a sore gluteus maximus."
     I pointed directly across the street.
     "That's the International Bank of China," I told them. "You'll go there for loans."
     "Where do we go for escorts?"
     "You'll go to the Russian Embassy for that."
     I stopped.
     "Well," I started again, winding down, "that concludes your orientation. Any questions?"
     They hemmed and hawed, but finally one of them spoke up.
     "Where was that bowl of money again?"

American Chimpanzee

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