Saturday, December 29, 2012

My New Years Prayer

Dear God,
     The world is a big place, and it's filled with billions and billions of people, but You know as well as I do that the world doesn't need most of them. Most of the people in the world are just annoying, and the rest of us would be better off without them.
     I understand that this is the season to be jolly, but how jolly can we be when we have to deal with people who get our goat on a daily basis? So I ask You, dear Lord, to answer my following prayer: please, Please, PLEASE get rid of all the jerks, low-lifes, and mentally unambitious idiots who do nothing more than take up space in this world and use up perfectly good oxygen.
     No more people, Lord, who don't decide what they want at a fast food restaurant until they get to the front of the line. This especially irks me at McDonald's. McDonald's serves hamburgers. And fries. What's so difficult?
     We don't need people like that, Lord.
     Along the same line are the people who don't prepare to pay for their merchandise until after it's been rung up. The cashier--and the rest of us in line behind this bozo--has to wait for them to dig through their wallets or pockets or purses for cash, cards, or coupons. Those people really bug me, Lord.
     And the people who bug me even more, are the ones in line ahead of me at a store and send off the slowest member of their family to go get one more item. Again, the cashier and the rest of the rapidly growing line behind them has to wait for that human tortoise to come back with... the wrong item!
     No more people who drive slow in the passing lane. Where I live, the speed limit is 75 mph on the open freeway between my city and the next one over. Why are they only going 45? (I'm talking about you, New Mexico.)
     We also don't need people who don't know how to merge onto the freeway. Speed up and merge! Or slow down and merge! Just merge!
     And forgive me, Lord, but I hate people who apply their brakes in traffic because they waited until the last minute to merge into the lane next to them. We don't need people like that, Lord.
     And no more people who check their cell phones in the movie theater, or, even worse, actually answers it while the movie's on. In fact, just get rid of all cell phones users who have no common courtesy or appreciation of human interaction. Those people need to go the Hell, Lord.
     And, Lord, how about doing something about those people who who say, "I don't mean any disrespect," just before they say something disrespectful. "I don't mean any disrespect," or "with all due respect," is just another way of saying, "Stand there while I punch you in the face." Let's get rid of those people, Lord.
     And those mostly young people (mostly guys) who drive with all the windows of their car down and blast their music so loud all the surrounding vehicles vibrate from the bass distortion, take those people now, Lord. You don't even have to wait until they get to where they're going to. They deserve to go. I know their eventual punishment will be going deaf at a young age, but I'd rather see them burning in Inconsiderate Hell for all eternity.
     And, Lord, can you  do something about rich celebrities who try to tell us how to live our lives? I don't need millionaires with no real talent telling me that I don't pay my fair share in taxes. Someone who owns an Italian villa and dates a supermodel has no idea what I'm going through. Keep pretending to be someone else, buddy. That's all you're good at.
     And take Sean Penn, Lord, just on general principle. He prefers to get into fights with middle-aged, overweight photographers, instead of someone who actually knows how to defend himself. He doesn't deserve to live.
     Justin Bieber, too. Because I have a pre-teen daughter, I've seen two of his movies, one came out in the theaters and one came out on TV, and in both of them he's slapped an employee of his in the face. The guy's a jerk, Lord. Your giving him an embarrassing sense of fashion isn't enough. You need to do something more.
     By the way, Lord, have you heard the latest Justin Bieber joke?
     Question: Why's Justin Bieber so pale?
     Answer: Because there's no light in the closet.
      And, since I'm talking about worthless celebrities, how about Roman Polanski? I've read the court transcripts about his drugging and rape of a thirteen year-old girl. We really don't need people like him, Lord. Why all of Hollywood worships him as some kind of cinematic God just because he can tell a cameraman which way to point a camera is beyond my comprehension.
     And, Lord, can you do something about Congress?
     They really get my goat.

American Chimpanzee

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