American Chimpanzee

Shirley Temple, 1929-2014 Shirley Temple, l929-2Ol4: 'I'm not a KID! I'm a GIRL! And TODAY'S my BIRTHDAY!"          A Valentine's Day Truth: Women LOVE romantic poetry for Valentine's Day... as long as they also get something expensive along with it.          A Valentine's Day Message: There's somebody for everybody in this world. Well... maybe not for you.          Some Valentine's Day Trivia: XXX adult film actor Ron Jeremy's tallywacker is so big that it graduated from high school... A YEAR BEFORE HE DID!          A Valentine's Day Realization: Boy oh boy, I don't know what's scarier, Halloween or Valentine's Day.          A Valentine's Day Miracle: A lady in her 6O's recently gave birth! She's going to use cloth diapers... because plastic makes her chafe.    ...

The last I heard, the temperature at the Sochi Winter Olympics has been around 45 degrees. I guess they make snow tougher in Communist countries.      Bearing that in mind, maybe our great city of El Paso, Texas has a shot at hosting the Winter Olympics after all.      If, by some miracle, we do get a shot at it, our lack of the cold, white stuff might limit some of the competitions we can have, so, in the spirit of the can-do Olympics, I offer these replacement suggestions.       1. The Trying-To-Play-In-The-Park-With-Your-Kids-While-Not-Stepping-In-Dog-Poop Competition.   2. The How-Many-Times-Will-You-Be-Hit-On-To-Buy-Something-Or-Give-A-Donation-To-On-Your-Trip-To-Walmart Competition.   3. The How-Many-Empty-Beer-Cans-And-Cigarette-Butts-Have-To-Collect-In-Your-Backyard-Before-You-Decide-To-Clean-It-Up Competition.   4. The How-Much-Visine-Do-You-Have-To-Use-Before-You-Think-People-Won't-Know-You've-Bee...

Hard-Core Advice From Hard-Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!     Dear John,      I'm never happy with one partner. It's not that I want to have a different man every night of the week--although I do--I just like a variety.      I'm currently in a relationship where seeing other men is okay with my boyfriend, but now he's asking me why I feel the way I do and wants us to be monogamous. Yuck! I just crave something different, and want whatever the next man has.      Trust me, I've had my share of men, but I've never found that one person who has it all. Am I doomed to stay single and noncommittal forever?      --Fickle   Dear Fickle, YOU'RE not the problem, the world's the problem. In polite society, you're what one would call a skank. Constantly judged and made to feel like a freak. Whereas, in the adult film industry you would just be "one of the girl...

El Paso's not known for its snow, so if we were ever chosen to host The Winter Olympics we would need to come up with alternate competitions that would let the world know what makes El Paso the great city that it is.       I suggest these:    1. The Trying-To-Pass-Someone-Going-45mph-On-The-Freeway-While-The-Driver-Next-To-Him-In-The-Passing-Lane-Is-Going-46 Competition.   2. The Trying-To-Jog-While-Avoiding-Dogs-That-Aren't-Gated-Or-Leashed Competition.   3. The Trying-To-Find-A-Parking-Space-Downtown-When-There's-A-Big-Event Competition.   4. The Trying-To-Enjoy-A-Movie-While-The-Person-In-Front-Of-You-Is-Enjoying-Their-Cell-Phone Competition.   5. The Trying-To-Listen-To-Your-Radio-In-The-Privacy-Of-Your-Car-While-The-Jerk-In-The-Car-Next-To-You-Is-Blasting-His-While-Keeping-His-Windows-Down-So-He-Can-Annoy-Even-More-People Competition.   6. The Getting-A-Tattoo-To-Look-Attractive-When-What-You-Really-Sho...

Jay Leno was host of The Tonight Show for 22 YEARS! Jay Leno was host of The Tonight Show for 22 YEARS! When he first started, you could smoke cigarettes anywhere in public... ...just like you can with pot today.          Now that Jay Leno's been fired from NBC's Tonight Show , I bet he's glad President Obama is extending those unemployment benefits.          Now that Jay Leno is unemployed, I guess he'll be signing up for ObamaCare.          Everyone's sad about Jay Leno leaving The Tonight Show . Even Anthony Weiner tweeted Jay a picture of his penis. It looked sad.          Believe It Or Nuts! In theory, because of aerodynamic downforce, a Formula One race car can drive ON THE ROOF of a tunnel. Sure, YOU try it.          Prince guest-stars in a special post-Super Bowl episode of Ne...