Saturday, July 23, 2016

The Wit & Wisdom of Donald Trump

What's this obsession Donald Trump has with Ted Cruz?
     The New York businessman and reality show star no sooner won the Republican nomination for president than, instead of bringing his party together and solidifying his base, he went off on another rant about Ted Cruz, while his vice-presidential running mate, Indiana Governor Mike Pence, stood next to him with a look on his face like the ones the passengers on the Titanic must have had.
     To find some insight to his obsession., I needed to look no further than his latest book, The Wit & Wisdom of Donald Trump.
     I read it, so you wouldn't have to.
Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
That, and crushing Ted Cruz.
It ain't over 'til it's over.
Or until Ted Cruz endorses me.
All men are created equal.
Except Ted Cruz.
Thou shalt not kill.
Ted Cruz being the only exception.
Win one for the Gipper.
'Cause he hates Ted Cruz, too.
Hmm, I wonder what Ted Cruz is doing right now.
To the victor belongs the spoils.
You know who's spoiled? Ted Cruz. Or maybe he just smells that way.
God must love the poor, 'cause he made so many of them.
He made Ted Cruz, too. Stupid God.
I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.
Then I'll be ready for a night of stalking Ted Cruz.
'Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before.
You know who I don't love? Ted Cruz.
When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.
Then poison it and serve it to Ted Cruz.

Hey, you! Turn around! Oh, sorry... for a minute, I thought you were Ted Cruz.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend.
Unless it's Ted Cruz.
It ain't over until the fat lady sings.
Hmm, that fat lady looks an awful lot like Ted Cruz.
'Tis a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done before. 'Tis a far better place I go than I have ever been.
Wow! Did I really say that? 'Cause what I was really thinking about was Ted Cruz
Don't shit where you eat.
Shit where Ted Cruz eats.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
But why doesn't it keep Ted Cruz away?
Where are you, Ted? I know you're here somewhere.
Last night, I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
Oh, how I wish it were Ted Cruz.
We are our own worst enemy.
Unless you count Ted Cruz.
I think, therefore I am...
...thinking of Ted Cruz.
I have not yet begun to fight.
Because I'm still worried if Ted Cruz will endorse me or not.
Nice guys finish last.
Does that mean Ted Cruz is a nice guy? I hope not.
Knock, knock!
"Who's there?"
"Ted Cruz."
"Ted Cruz who?"
"Nothing, I was just thinking about Ted Cruz."
Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes.
Unless it's Ted Cruz.
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
By "us," I mean Ted Cruz.
Prosperity is just around the corner.
So is Ted Cruz.
Can't we all just get along?
With everybody but Ted Cruz, that is.
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time.
Oh, why does Ted Cruz torment me so?
Am I a man who dreamt I was a butterfly, or am I a butterfly dreaming that I'm a man?
No, I'm a man. A man who hates Ted Cruz.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
But enough about Ted Cruz's wife.
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
You know who doesn't smell sweet? Ted Cruz. And I'm not just saying that because he's Mexican or anything. You know who love me? The Mexicans. And they're going to pay for that bridge I'm building. What do you mean he's a Cuban? You mean, like Castro? No way, I know what I'm talking about. Wait a minute, what am I talking about? Oh, yeah... Ted Cruz.
I never met a man I didn't like.
Except Ted Cruz.
  American Chimpanzee

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