Saturday, April 30, 2011

Let's Outlaw School Speed Zones

I'm going to say something controversial, but, remember, I'm warning you in advance.  I don't want to hear from you about how mad I made you, or how stupid you think I am.  Send your complaints to Bill Clinton.  He feels your pain.
We Need To Get Rid Of School Speed Zones!
     Now hold it, hold it.  Stay with me.  I'm not suggesting you let Richard Gere baby-sit your pet gerbil.  What I am suggesting is these days kids seem to have lost their natural instinct for self-preservation.  Every time I drop my darling daughter off at a high school I won't name (although I will admit it's also the name of my favorite Electric Light Orchestra album) I notice that male fashion seems to be frozen in the 90's.  With pants hanging way too low, baseball caps worn every which way but forward, and urban fashion that was dated when Grandmaster Flash released the first rap single.
     The 40's had zoot suiters.  The 50's had greasers.  The 60's had hippies.  The 70's had disco.  The 80's had new wave.  The 90's had grunge and hippity hop, and it's been that way ever since.  Kids used to be a force for change.  Now they're the standard bearer for the status quo.
     I could live with a stagnant pop culture, but school zones are zombie-fying our children in other ways as well.  As I'm dropping my darling daughter off I notice students walking across the street and not paying any attention to the big metal things that could kill them.  While you might argue that this would improve our gene pool, I might argue back that you're exactly right.  They step onto a busy street with only an assumption that the traffic is going to stop for them.
     They live their lives not noticing.  Not noticing traffic when they're walking.  Not noticing pedestrians or other vehicles when they are driving.  Not noticing trains coming down the railroad tracks they are walking on.  Not even noticing the opposite sex.  Teenage boys today just don't seem to girl-watch the way we used to back when girl-watching was pretty much our only option.  Ray-Bans were extra dark for a reason.  In the 70's we were all for the women's movement, as long as said women were moving directly in front of us while wearing tight jeans or short skirts.
     Whenever I read a heartbreaking news story of a young person being run over and killed I think to myself:  school zones.  I'm sure the last emotion running through their still developing brains was surprise.  Surprise that the car wasn't stopping for them. 
     I asked my darling daughter:  "Do these kids always walk around like that?"
     "What kids, dad?" she asked me back.

Where Do People Keep Chupacabras as Pets?  Find Out In El Paso!
American Chimpanzee

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