Friday, July 1, 2011

Cheating With Crazy Women

Gary Hart, Jim Baker, Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and now Herman Cain.  What do all these men have in common?  (Besides cheating with women even I could score with.)
     What they all have in common is that when they decided to cheat, they didn't cheat with crazy women.  If you ask me, that was their big mistake.
     Why crazy women?
     Because cheating with a woman who's crazy gives you plausible deniability.
     "Don't listen to her," any reasonable person would say.  "She's crazy."
     The Sperminator almost had it right when he decided to cheat.  He cheated with someone no one would have ever believed, that is, until the baby she had grew up to look exactly like him.  His wife, Maria, wasn't even suspicious until the boy began to grope the children of all the other maids.
     "I trusted the advise of Jimmy Soul," the former California Governor said, "and Jimmy Soul let me down."  He was referring to the late, great soul singer's 50's hit.
     Go look it up.
     Myself, I didn't cheat crazy.  I married crazy.  And divorced painfully.  Five times. 
     My first wife became fat faster than Monica Lewinski at an all-you-can-eat buffet.  She wasn't all that and a bag of chips.  She was all that because of a bag of chips. 
     My second wife went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back.  The funny thing is she didn't smoke. 
     My third wife would check on me constantly when I was sick.  I could never get any rest.  I don't think it was to check on how I was doing.  I think it was to bug me.  I'd be sleeping soundly, and she would gently nudge me awake, hoping my illness had developed into something more serious.
     "Jim," she'd whisper.  "Are you asleep?" 
     "Not any more."
     "Sorry.  Go back to sleep."
     After the first dozen times it began to get annoying.
     During my fourth marriage I was working at night driving an 18-wheeler for UPS.  What my now ex-wife didn't understand then was that if I worked at night that meant I had to sleep during the day.
     "Just pretend when I'm sleeping that I'm at work," I kept explaining to her. 
     She said she understood, but she never did.  Not really.  Years after our divorce I received a rebate check from an insurance policy she had taken out on me without my knowledge.  I'm sure that had nothing to do with anything.
     I never told her about the check.
     My fifth ex-wife got hooked on meth soon after we divorced, and lost over 100 lbs.  Fortunately for her she was 100 lbs overweight, so now she looks pretty hot.  Too bad she didn't get hooked on meth while we were married.  The outcome would have been the same, but the sex would have been better.  The last I heard she was in Washington DC working in the White House.  She cleans the toilets.
     One thing my ex-wives taught me was that life isn't about getting even.  It's about getting over.  And that's the advise I give to all the philandering husbands who have been caught.  Get over it.  Get up, dust yourself off, and be a better man.
     Steven Tyler, the lead singer of the rock band Aerosmith, once said:  "It's not about how you fall, it's about how you get back up."  He said this while he was a judge on American Idol...
     ...but wise words, none the less.
                          El Paso!  Where No One Cheats On Anyone...EVER!
Fifty Shades of Humor

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