Thursday, February 9, 2012

The Genius Of George Lucas

That George Lucas is a genius. 
     While the hacks are busy following his lead by converting their movies into 3D, he's already onto the next big thing:  monkeys.  Although he's also recently released his Star Wars franchise in 3D, he's already a step way ahead of those unoriginal film-making losers by next adding monkeys into his epic tale of a galaxy far, far away.
     It's not such a crazy idea.  There's no idea so bad that adding a monkey wouldn't make better.  Are you telling me that Jar Jar Binks wouldn't have become a beloved Star Wars character if he were played by the orange orangutan Clyde from those Clint Eastwood Which Way movies?* 
     When I watched the Bruce Willis/Brad Pitt movie 12 Monkeys a decade or so back, I remember thinking at the time:  "You know what this movie needs?  More monkeys."  They should have made that movie about 13 monkeys, because that one extra monkey would have made all the  difference in the world at the box office. 
     I know everybody's tired of Sylvester Stallone's Rocky franchise, but are you telling me you wouldn't get excited at the prospect of Rocky Balboa fighting an angry chimp in Rocky VII?  No one wants to fight an angry chimp, not when they have that angry chimp strength going for them.  They're like the incredible Hulk.  The angrier they get, the stronger they get.  And, man, they fight dirtier than Gloria Allred in a divorce court.
     Me?  I personally couldn't stand the movie Titanic.  Kate Winslet was especially unlikable, but if James Cameron--that George Lucas wannabe--were to replace her with a bonobo monkey, I'd be the first in line to watch it again.  That's assuming you could find a bonobo monkey as Rubanesque as Miss Winslet.  Instead, he's picking up George Lucas' crumbs by also converting and releasing Titanic in 3D.  Man, is there nothing that guy won't do to squeeze an extra nickle out of his fans?  What is he?  A Democrat?  My dad had a saying.  He said:  "There's nothing sadder than a two-dollar hooker.  Unless, that hooker happens to be a monkey."  Or James Cameron.
     Clint Eastwood's movie Hereafter was an embarrassing flop.  Like many of its characters, it died at the box office.  You know what would have saved it?  Monkeys.  It's the same thing with the horror genre.  Zombies seem to be about played out.  You know what would make zombies cool again?  Monkey zombies.  "What's that?" you say.  How about a monkey Superman? 
     Now you're just plain being silly.
     No, there's not a movie so bad or so good that it can't be made better by adding a monkey to it, and the trend doesn't have to be limited to movies.  After all, the best part of the song Gitarzan by Ray Stevens is when the pet monkey who likes to get drunky sings the boogie-woogie and it sounds real funky.**  And the only thing that could have saved Conan O'Brien from being unceremoniously dumped from The Tonight Show?  Monkeys.  That's right.  Monkeys.  Just ask Johnny Carson.  That is, if you could.  He's dead.  When they were looking for a replacement for the retiring Oprah why didn't they try to replace her with a monkey?  Or Flavor Flav, at the very least.
     Sure, Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr have just released new albums, and both still tour successfully, but if they were to try to tour together as The Beatles with two replacement guitar players, no matter how talented those two replacements were, the idea would be loathed and belittled.  But if John Lennon and George Harrison were replaced by monkeys that would be a marketing stroke of genius.  Even Yoko Ono*** couldn't ruin it.
     If a monkey were to tour as Elvis Presley, I'm not sure how successful the tour might be, but I'm betting you the monkey would put on a better show than Madonna did at the Super Bowl.
     Finally, you know the saying, if a million monkeys were to sit at a million typewritters for a million years...
     .....then they could probably write my columns for me.

*"Right turn, Jar Jar."
**"Come On.  Your time, boy.  Sing one, monkey!"
***"I'll get you, my pretty!."

Fifty Shades of Funny

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