Friday, May 18, 2012

This Just In!

When Robert Moore--my editor at the El Paso Times and master of the ancient martial art of Tai Kwan Donut--asked me to write a humor blog for, I had to decline.  I was too busy writing "quotes" for Joe Biden.
     "Can you still write a column for next Friday's paper?"
     "Sure.  About what?"
     "It doesn't matter.  Just make sure it eats up some space."
     Now I was in a bind.  I had committed myself to writing a column, but I had no idea about what.  I stepped outside to retrieve my morning newspaper, and there, on the front page, was the answer to my dilemma.  It was a smiling President Obama, the man who once saved my life in 'Nam.
     He was standing next to President Calderon from Mexico.  Obama had a big smile on his face, because he had just shrewdly negotiated away even more American jobs by agreeing to let Mexican truck drivers on U.S. roads.
     I like when Obama smiles.  It makes the bad news he's about to give me easier to take.  Always has.  Always will.
     "What the American people don't understand," he explained, "is that losing jobs to Mexico is good for the American economy."
     When asked how, he answered in that Harvard educated way of his:  "It just is."
     Well, he did promise to create more jobs.  I just didn't think they'd be for Mexican citizens.
     On page two, there was an article about Obama and the United Nations talking tough about Gaddafi in Libya.  They want him out of there.  Where've they been for the last forty years he's been in power?  I mean, I don't want to criticize anybody, but...
     Hey, wait a minute...  Gaddafi's dead.  I know, because I wrote about it in Zombie Gaddafi on October 22, 2011.  Go see for yourself.  Just how old IS this newspaper, anyway?
     Well, no sense in wasting a perfectly good old newspaper, especially when a new one will cost me another sevety-five cents.  I'm not cheap, I'm frugal.
     Another article:  U.S. Teens Are Having Less Sex.  I didn't read this article, because it will just remind me of how much sex I'm not getting, but I assume the drop in teen sex is in direct correlation to the increase in teen marriages.
     In the Borderland section of the paper, there was an article on anti-immigration.  It irks me that this subject is always referred to as "anti-immigration," when it is really about anti-illegal-immigration.  As an American citizen, I have to follow the laws of my country, and I don't like being called a racist because I believe that non-citizens should do the same.
     In the Living section, I always enjoy reading what Charles Edgren has to say about his pets.  He has almost as many dogs as I have ex-wives.
     In the Sports section...  well, I don't really read the Sports section.  I enjoy sports as much as the next guy, as long as the next guy is someone who doesn't enjoy sports.
     And, finally, in the Business section, I discovered that the economy is still in a recession.  Don't worry... soon as those Mexican jobs kick in, I'm sure Obama will be able to smile our way out of it.

Fifty Shades of Funny

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