American Chimpanzee

I can't say I understand Muslim extremists who threaten death to all who disrespect their holy prophet Mohammad, but I do understand their objection to that disrespect.      That's why I can't comprehend why so many Muslims are named Mohammad.  Wouldn't naming an unworthy human Mohammad be the most supreme of insults to said prophet?      To be honest, I don't care for anybody naming their child after any particular deity.  I find that incredibly offensive.  Not to mention a burden.  When you name your son Jesus, for example, you've doomed him to failure.  No matter his accomplishments, he'll always be a far second to his namesake.      Myself, I've given each of my children the first name of "Doctor."  That way they can set up a medical practice without the costly inconvenience of actually going to medical school.  They all specialize in "referrals."  For example, when a patient come...

I've seen the video.      I know what it looks like, but, my friends, looks can be deceiving.  My cousin, Naomi, did not try to rob that jewelry store.  I don't care what it looks like on YouTube.       I'm sure she was just walking along, minding her own business, when her woman's intuition went off.  Accolades and ticker-tape parades are not her style, so she must have wanted to hide her identity.  Luckily, she and her companion just happened to have a black plastic bag with them.  They were using it to pick up litter.  She always wanted to make sure the Earth was clean and healthy.  For you.  For your children.  But not for your children's children.  She does not believe that children should be having sex.      Let's look at the facts:  she lives right across the street from the jewelry store.  What person in their right mind would commit a crime so close to...

Yes, I must admit...  we are related.      YouTube's infamous Trash Bag Bandit and I are cousins.       I know the attempted robbery of a jewelry store seems poorly thought out, and the video of the crime appears comical, but there are a few things that the general public doesn't know.      First off, let's talk about the wheelchair that Naomi, the Trash-Bag Bandit, and Luis, her partner-in-crime, were going to make their escape in.  Everybody's been laughing at the idea of using a wheelchair as a getaway vehicle, but you wouldn't laugh if you knew that the wheelchair in question has been modified.  It can do zero to sixty in under sixty seconds, and, once that turbo kicks in, it's capable of warp speed.  It's the wheelchair that made the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs.      The kitchen knife she welded to threaten the jewelry store employees and customers was no ord...

With the recent spat of movie-lovers showing up to The Dark Knight Rises armed to the teeth, the mass shooting at the Sikh Temple of Wisconsin, and another mass shooting in an Alabama strip-club*...  I'm receiving a lot of emails along the lines of, "Okay, maybe you have a point, but you still shouldn't be making fun of the size of a mass murderer's penis."       I know, I know.  I might have hurt James Holmes' feelings, and we now live in a society where we don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, because, after all, words and feelings are more important than actions.      That's why it didn't surprise me when Dan Cathy, the Head Clucker of Chick-fil-A, got into trouble by simply answering a question he was asked.  Even though he and his company don't discriminate against the gay community, the gay community was outraged--OUTRAGED, I tell you--by his putting into words his belief that marriage i...

Wow!  What a response.      Not since The Church Of Oz (7-2-12), where I recommended Downtown El Paso be given to the gay community to keep them busy when they're not otherwise occupied asking devout Christians their opinion on gay marriage, have I received such a gaggle of harshly worded e-mails.  In the case of The Church Of Oz , it was the straight community who were offended...   on behalf of the gays!   Apparently, gay people are unable to think or speak up for themselves.       My gay readers, however, got the joke.      In the case of A Pathetic Little Nobody (7-28-12) , the media stepped up to, but didn't quite cross, the line of defending Aurora, Colorado's--and how I hate to use this word-- alleged mass shooter, James Holmes.  The e-mails all went along the lines of:  "James Holmes is a disturbed individual.  You shou...