Friday, August 17, 2012

The Trash Bag Bandit (Part Two)

I've seen the video.
     I know what it looks like, but, my friends, looks can be deceiving.  My cousin, Naomi, did not try to rob that jewelry store.  I don't care what it looks like on YouTube. 
     I'm sure she was just walking along, minding her own business, when her woman's intuition went off.  Accolades and ticker-tape parades are not her style, so she must have wanted to hide her identity.  Luckily, she and her companion just happened to have a black plastic bag with them.  They were using it to pick up litter.  She always wanted to make sure the Earth was clean and healthy.  For you.  For your children.  But not for your children's children.  She does not believe that children should be having sex.
     Let's look at the facts:  she lives right across the street from the jewelry store.  What person in their right mind would commit a crime so close to their home?  It doesn't make sense, right? 
     I'm sure she was just chipping a few golf balls, OJ-style, casually passing time until she had to leave to catch a flight.  She doesn't know how that bloody glove got on her property.  It must have been planted there.
     Hmmm...  what's Mark Fuhrman been up to these days?
     She told her companion to remain outside.  He did so, because she's always had that sense of authority about her.  As she entered the store I can almost hear her say:  "I'm here to kick ass or to chew bubblegum...  and I'm all out of bubblegum.  Everybody OUT!" 
     As everybody ran out of the store, like the cowards they were, I'm sure that whoever was going to commit the real robbery ran out with them.  Thus, her alibi was gone, like Lindsay Lohan's sobriety on a Saturday night. 
     Besides herself, there were only two people left in the store, and they misread the situation completely.  They saw a knife in Naomi's hand, but didn't know that she only had it because she was on her way to a pumpkin-carving contest for charity. 
     Naomi could probably sense that there was still danger in the air, but what?  What could it be? 
     A bomb!
     That had to be it.  She had only minutes.  Could she find the IED and defuse it in time?
     "You!" she yelled, fearing for the store clerk's life.  "Get out!"
     "What do you want?" the clerk cried out.
     "Everything!" my cousin answered.
     And by everything she meant that she wanted no child left behind.  Peace between the Jews and the Palestinians.  The Democrats to remain in power.
     And that's when she was unceremoniously tackled by the second person in the store, a lowly customer.  Naomi was stopped before she could find the bomb or discover the true villain.  "Where's the bomb?" you ask.  Obviously someone must have taken it. 
     Hmmm...  what's Mark Fuhrman been up to these days?

Fifty Shades of Funny

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