Saturday, August 11, 2012

The Trash Bag Bandit (Part One)

Yes, I must admit...  we are related.
     YouTube's infamous Trash Bag Bandit and I are cousins. 
     I know the attempted robbery of a jewelry store seems poorly thought out, and the video of the crime appears comical, but there are a few things that the general public doesn't know.
     First off, let's talk about the wheelchair that Naomi, the Trash-Bag Bandit, and Luis, her partner-in-crime, were going to make their escape in.  Everybody's been laughing at the idea of using a wheelchair as a getaway vehicle, but you wouldn't laugh if you knew that the wheelchair in question has been modified.  It can do zero to sixty in under sixty seconds, and, once that turbo kicks in, it's capable of warp speed.  It's the wheelchair that made the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs.
     The kitchen knife she welded to threaten the jewelry store employees and customers was no ordinary kitchen knife.  It was a Ginsu knife with a titanium-tipped blade.  Capable of cutting through an aluminum can, and then gently slicing a tomato into sections so thin a Hollywood starlet would be jealous.
     But wait!
     That Ginsu knife also came with a paring knife that could sever your carotid artery like it was tissue paper.  Naomi was an expert knife-thrower.  A skill she picked up in her years as a Navy Seal.  She can throw a knife into the eye of a mosquito twenty paces.  It's true!  I've seen her do it.  That lady with the taser is lucky she didn't find her body separated from her head OJ-style.  Naomi could have done it, but she chose to spare that laser-wielding lady's life.
     I know that her using a black plastic trash bag for a disguise makes the couple look so poor that they couldn't afford a decent ski mask, but what the public doesn't understand is that it's still summer.  Ski masks are hard to find.  And, again, what the public can't see in that video is that the trash bag she used was no common trash receptacle.  It was imported from Europe.  Hand-stitched from the finest plastic in all of Italy by a master tailor.
     As for that gentleman who wrestled her to the ground, my cousin, at any time, could have smashed the heel of her hand against his nose, slamming the cartilage into his brain, killing him instantly.
     But she chose to spare his life.
     And, by the way, who is that guy, and why did he want to remain anonymous?  Maybe he was the actual criminal committing the crime.  Maybe he was interrupted in his dastardly deed by my cousin, who only went into that store for some early trick-or-treating.
     I'm just speculating, but this opens up a whole new can of worms.

Fifty Shades of Funny

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