Saturday, August 11, 2012

A Dirty Little Secret (Part Three)

With the recent spat of movie-lovers showing up to The Dark Knight Rises armed to the teeth, the mass shooting at the Sikh Temple of Wisconsin, and another mass shooting in an Alabama strip-club*...  I'm receiving a lot of emails along the lines of, "Okay, maybe you have a point, but you still shouldn't be making fun of the size of a mass murderer's penis." 
     I know, I know.  I might have hurt James Holmes' feelings, and we now live in a society where we don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, because, after all, words and feelings are more important than actions.
     That's why it didn't surprise me when Dan Cathy, the Head Clucker of Chick-fil-A, got into trouble by simply answering a question he was asked.  Even though he and his company don't discriminate against the gay community, the gay community was outraged--OUTRAGED, I tell you--by his putting into words his belief that marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman who no longer wants to have sex with you. 
     As a gay urban warrior straight outta Compton I was offended--OFFENDED, I tell you--by what Chick-fil-A's chicken-in-chief had to say about gay marriage.  So offended that I've decided to boycott.  However, I looove their chicken sandwich, so I'm boycotting vegetables instead.** 
     Personally, I don't know what all the hoopla is about.  The dirty little secret is that there already IS gay marriage.  And gay churches, too.  What the gay community should be fighting for is the hearts and minds of our straight brethren.  Instead of making them our enemies, we should make them dinner.  The gay community should fight for the legal rights that come along with marriage, and not marriage itself. 
     Actually, to me, even that's short-sighted.  I've always felt the gay community should come up with something better than traditional marriage.  Why are we so determined to be included in something that doesn't want to include us?  Like the great comedian Groucho Marx sort of said, "I wouldn't want to join a club that would have me as a member.  Also, I am dead."
     I solved my own personal conundrum by adopting my significant other.  This way, he's under my health insurance and the incest aspect of our relationship has really added heat in the bedroom.  But, unfortunately, small people with small minds will always get small results.  For example...
     Adam Smith, the former chief financial officer of Vante, should have shown such ingenuity.  Instead, like former congressman Anthony Weiner, he decided to film himself doing something embarrassing for the benefit of a young woman, and now finds himself without a job. 
     Smith was forced to resign after making a video of himself verbally ambushing a young Chick-fil-A drive-through employee, even though she told him that she was uncomfortable being filmed.  Smith recorded their encounter anyway, and uploaded it to YouTube.  This caused embarrassment to the company he worked for, and, ironically, Smith then learned the importance of the free speech that he wished to deny Dan Cathy. 
     Smith's video, however, was filled with personal disclaimers.
     "I don't know how you live with yourself and work here," he says to the employee, before calling himself, "totally heterosexual," and then insisting, "if you don't believe me I'll have sex with you here, right now." 
     The employee declined, and Smith had to content himself with eating a corn dog.  There's "not a gay in me," he managed to say, "just a cucumber.  It's not what you think, I accidentally sat down on it.  SIX times!" 
     Finishing the corn dog, he peeled a banana and began to enthusiastically gobble it down. 
     "I just can't stand the hate," he continued.
     The banana gone, he reached into the man-bag on his lap and pulled out a hot dog. 
     "I'm a nice guy, by the way."
     Gobble, gobble.
     In a different part of the country there was a different kind of funny business going on.  California Governor Jerry Brown's administration announced that $119 million in untapped money was found in a sweeping audit of state accounts, bringing to more than $286.5 million the sum lawmakers were unaware of as they repeatedly cut government services.
     "I don't know what that money was doing in my freezer," Governor Brown said.  "Someone must have put it there by mistake."
     Meanwhile, down in Mexico, experts have discovered that ancient Mayas may have used chocolate as a spice.  The archaeologists also believe that they may have also breathed air and worn clothes as clothing.  Also in Mexico, the humble taco is the subject of two new books.  One by Jeffrey M. Pilchen, "Planet Taco," and the other by Gustavo Arellano, "Taco USA." 
     Apparently the drug cartel wars and the continuing abductions and murders of hundreds of Mexican women are a thing of the past, and there's nothing else to write about.
     How does this all tie in?  I guess it doesn't.  I'm just sitting here, watching the Olympics on NBC (who have done a fine job, by the way***), and I guess I got distracted. 
     By the way, isn't the male diving competition the happiest of sports at the Olympics?  The divers all wear barely-there bikini bottoms, and, after they complete their dives, they pile into a hot jacuzzi, and the camera discretely cuts away from the manly frolicking that probably ensues.  An urban warrior can dream, can't he?  Speaking of dreams...
     I once had Olympic aspirations.  My dream was to compete in the winter Olympics in the luge.  I figured any sport a mannequin or dead body could do, I was sure to excel at.  All you're really doing is laying down stiff as a board.  Just like my ex-wives. 
     But, sadly, Olympic Gold was not in the cards, otherwise I'd be partying at Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion with a bevy of Playboy Playmates, instead of writing this blog.
     OTHERWISE, I tell you!

Fifty Shades of Funny

*I refuse to make the joke that the strip club's patrons were coming and going at the same time. It's beneath me.
**Since I wrote this column, I've been threatened by those in the straight community who feel the need to defend, AND be offended for, those in the gay community (who, incidentally, could not care less), so I've had to rethink my whole boycott thingie.  I promise--PROMISE, I tell you--not to eat at Chick-fil-A ever again.
     Unless I'm hungry.
***And I'm not saying that because they paid me.

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