Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Dear John (2-27-13)

Hard Core Advice From
Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie

Dear John,
     I am a senior in high school, and I have been dating "Brianna" for 10 months. She graduated last year and attends a community college, but really has no ambition to be or do anything. We spent last summer together, and I honestly fell head over heels for her.
     Here's the problem: I have been accepted to a college that's out of town. It's always been my dream to go away to school, so I told Briana that it wouldn't be fair to either of us to stay together while I'm away, but that I want us to be together as much as possible until then. However, ever since I said this to Brianna things haven't been the same. She's begun cutting herself, and tells me if I leave she'll kill herself.
     You see, Brianna's dad left when she was 12, and she's still crushed by it. She doesn't get along with her family, and tells me I'm all she has. She says that if I go away to school I'll be leaving her just like everybody else. Now I feel nothing but guilt when I think about going away to college.
     I want us to enjoy our time together as much as possible. In fact, I even want Brianna to be my date for the senior prom, but I don't want her to think I'm simply using her, because it's not true. She's the only person I want by my side, and I'm sure she can find a dress with sleeves long enough to hide those ugly scars.
     Do you think it's fair that we're staying together now even though we'll most likely break up when I leave for college? I want the full college experience, but I know a long-distance relationship will be miserable, because Brianna says she can't live without me and constantly threatens suicide.
     How do I solve this problem?

Dear Confused,
     If she kills herself, then your problem's solved, right?

Dear John,
     "Frustrated" said she felt taken advantage of by a friend who relies on her for transportation, doesn't care about her schedule, and never offers to pay for gas. You suggested a subtle hint.
     As someone who is disabled and unable to drive, I need to have human interaction and visual stimulation every now and then.
     "Frustrated's" friend may be in a similar situation, and the intellectual stimulus of being with her friend may help her mood tremendously, since being stuck at home can make a person depressed.
     Please ask "Frustrated" to have patience for her friend.
     --Been There

Dear Been There,
     Selfish people like you make me sick.

Dear John,
     "No Longer Compatible" said she isn't attracted to her husband because he's stopped bathing, has bad breath, a beer belly, and sinus issues.
     Is that all?
     My husband is grotesquely obese and also cares little for personal hygiene, but--holy moly!--is he blessed in the angle of his dangle. That fat bastard is like the over-sized gift that keeps on giving.
     I don't think there's any man so repulsive that a woman, with the help of a little booze, can't find attractive.

Dear Satisfied,
     Apparently, you've never seen Ron Jeremy.

American Chimpanzee

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